Forever, since I can remember… I never wanted to be the girl in love. I want to be the girl laughing, yes. But never in love. It doesn’t ever look like how it does in the movies. And even if you see beautiful love in reality… that’s not me. I don’t want to be cuddling all the time. Loving each other all the time. Making ‘love’ all the time. I want to hate you. Love and hate are so close; and I think that that’s the beauty of it. A time goes on, and I realize more and more what I have done, who I have hurt, who I want and what I want to run from – I also realize that I want love. But my version. I want someone to not stare at my imperfections and my ‘crazy’ but love and enhance them. I want someone to accept that I don’t like to be touched. I want someone who accepts that I have OCD about my cushions.
I know that there is a difference between an aspiration and a dream. I can aspire to be loved. I can aspire to letting the right person love me. I dream of figuring out what I want to do with my life, career wise, simply because I think I like not knowing until I know. I am okay with that. I dream and aspire to having my family, my one. I have nightmares about letting the dark uncontrollable side of me, ruin my dreams and aspirations because she is on a path of self destruction.
I can accept, now, what that is, who I may be, who I am right now. I can, finally, accept that I don’t want the perfect life. And especially after the last year, I do not expect everything to ever be perfect again. But, I know that I am not crazy to BELIEVE that it’s okay to not have it all.
Nevertheless, I want a career – and it can be stressful and forever changing. I can stay surrounded by my family – and they can ruin things, always. I can have friends – that will come and go, all the time. But wouldn’t it be nice to have one love, that is always… here.
Here’s to 2013, and being… here.
completely unpredictable 