Author: boobanner

Kim Kardashian and the hair change game.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine was helping her younger sister through her first heart break. She text me saying that she had already sat there thinking ‘What would Boo do’ – and ended up telling her sister to go and get her hair done. When I read the message, I laughed to then settle and realise ‘that is what I would do’ (and not just for heartbreak). I liked it. It has always helped…

Today the amazingly talented Kim Kardashian unveiled her new ‘do… a short peroxide blonde do. There’s a huge part of me that believes it’s a complete publicity stunt for, well, of course herself and Balmain. Balmain, who’s head designer is Olivier Rousteing who just so happens to employ aspiring model Kendall Jenner and is a close friend of the Kardashian/Jenner clan.

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However people are beginning to question her decision to do something so shocking. Again, at first instance I simply think she is looking for yet another reason for people to talk about her, it’s been a while since she took her clothes off or blah blah blah. Yet if I take it back to realising that she is a human at the end of the day and as Jo Hansford says “Often an extreme change of hairstyle or colour can be a sign that something else dramatic is going on in someone’s life so perhaps this is the case.”

I think it’s true – you don’t do crazy dramatic things to your image or life if you are happy – you do it if things are empty or going wrong… It’s not just Kim. There are many celebrities and women that do it. I am sure men have the same reaction, although they most likely go and ride a bike, or a million girls.

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It has been done for years, by women of all ages, from all backgrounds, and for all different reasons. Why do we think a hair style change will help? Well, yes, it gives us something else to focus on- a distraction. On some level do we think things will be better if our hair is different. Are we thinking that we are not worthy of happiness and no heartbreak unless we have better/different hair?

You can go get bangs, change the colour, cut it all off, add more hair – there or do more than one of these things. New hair, new person? New hair, new life? … NEW HAIR, NEW HEARTBREAK.

I have no idea when I first did something dramatic to my image or more specifically my hair to help me get over and move on from something, and to be honest it’s only ever hurt my bank account… So what’s the harm?

But don’t you just think – is it a call out for help?

Thank you, you messed up my dreams.

One night last week I found myself looking up what female targeted publications like Elle had written about abortions. I was surprised to find quite a few articles as there seems to be a very driven campaign in regards to womens rights to abortions.

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I didn’t have it within me to read them exactly then but left them open in my browser for when I was ready, or had the time to read the articles with the understanding that I wanted, and feel that the subject deserves.
It wasn’t until I had a very traumatic nights sleep in which I dreamt that I had gone ahead and had my baby with my ex. She, Lavender, our little girl was at least a year old in the dream and for some reason was looked after solely by her father. I was only allowed to see her at his pub, although it wasn’t the pub he has in ‘real life’. Lavender was always very happy to see me, despite her Dad always being reluctant to let me see her when I was just passing by the pub. She was beautiful.
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I woke up very confused, checking my tummy and around my bedroom for evidence of her existence. But nothing. ‘What name is Lavender?’ I don’t think I even like that name. ‘Why did he have her?’ He doesn’t want her, or any baby – no way is he a fit parent. ‘Yet she’s so happy, and so so beautiful’.
Later that day I called my Bikram Yoga studio to buy a new course and the gentleman whom I am very friendly with told me the conditions of leaving the 12 month course, one of them being that if I become pregnant. I found myself listening to him mention over and over in different sentences how ‘we wouldn’t want that to happen’, ‘you have your sisters wedding’, ‘well I guess maybe after’. At his first remark I joked, ‘no that won’t be happening’ but he went on further with a good few remarks. Am I missing something?
What if I had carried through with my pregnancy, would someone like him have judged me? Thought of me differently. I am not hurt, or ashamed… just very confused.
I have read the articles. I have read up on Emily Letts and watched her Youtube film. I have ordered Katha Pollitt’s book. But something I find as a recurring notion is that we shouldn’t feel guilty… but I do. I feel guilty, and I feel ok with that guilt. I feel a huge sense of loss, even after almost 2 months. I will catch myself in moments thinking ‘I would have been this many months’, ‘my bump would’ve been this big’, or ‘would I be here, now, with you if I were pregnant?’.
It’s a strange experience and milestone for anyone, yet so different at the same time.

Shitty Christmas & a Crappy New Year

I struggle to remember too much of the past couple of Christmas holidays and New Years; most likely because I have blocked them out.

I love the idea of the holidays, the presents, wrapping, family, food and everything in between but, like my birthday, I have forever set my expectations way too high.

Last year, well actually like most years, I was ill. Perforated both my ear drums so spent most of the holiday working, crying, sleeping and obviously couldn’t hear a thing!

I know that in years to come the holidays will get better as babies come along and my family grows the way I want it to – but you can’t help other than to notice the people that aren’t there; and for many different reasons.

One thing that I always do is a New Years resolution, since I can remember. Have I stuck to them? Probably never.

Last year was different. I wrote them with my sister and her then boyfriend but now fiancé… This gave me the opportunity to know I was in safe hands and could write what I really wanted…

I wanted quite a few things for myself; some silly things. But there were two things that were very personal and very important…

I wanted to not go back with my ex boyfriend.

I wanted to fall and be in love by my birthday.

Well, the later, I did. The the first, I now have to admit… I did not. Am I disappointed in myself for breaking my resolution? Certainly not. I want to believe that everything that I have done this year up to this point, I did because I believed in something and I felt a certain way.

I don’t want to take anything back. Not even falling in love, as much as it hurts me every single day. I don’t want to wish I didn’t go back to my ex again, because we did it for a reason. Things are shame, yes. However, we have to learn.

I am learning ‘myself’ everyday. Will I ever be complete, most likely not. Am I ok with that? I have to be. Do I wish there was less anxiety and less insomnia in my life? Yes, please.

I need to grow, I need to understand and eventually I will move on. Not today, most likely not next week either.

One thing I will say though… I am sorry. Sorry to the people that I have hurt, most for god sake – I wish I would stop hurting myself to make other people happy and ok.

Break up confusion: part 100,000,001 of 100,000,000

I fell in love, and I fell in love hard. But it left me crying my eyes out, 2 stone heavier and on a plane to Hamburg with my best friends.

I was never the girl to confess my love to anyone – ‘I love you, I love you’. But with him, it kept exploding out of me… I could never keep it in, I wanted him to know. I knew he wasn’t in love with me, but I was okay with that because the affection, attention and time that we had together filled me up in so many ways. I had never felt that before.

He asked me at the beginning to be ‘open’ to us. Even though he had already backed out once. There was something about him that made me trust him. That made me jump in head first – give my time and attention to, 100%.

Even he can tell you that I always had a tiny bit of fear that he would just text me one day and be done… Saying the same things he said 5 days after we first slept together. But he always reassured me that if it was ever going to happen, I would know, and it wouldn’t be over text. However this is where the line gets blurry because I guess it did happen on just ‘one day’ and I guess it did just happen over text. He broke my heart, because I was madly in love.

I always dreamt of the relationship that we had. Him driving. Us sleeping together almost every night. Him helping me to sleep. Us both being a part of each other’s lives. Being called his girlfriend made me the happiest I had been in such a long time.

With the rise, comes the fall.

Anyone who knows me knows that I believe in butterflies, and that you should never settle for anything less. Well I am saying now, that everyday and every second with him was butterflies. Even the bits I didn’t like, the butterflies pushed me through to the other side. Love.

The butterflies, unfortunately are still very much there. I’m not sure they will ever go away… But they will also remind me to be so much more careful in the future, despite the fact that I do not regret meeting him, loving him, even still.

Break up confusion: part 36,762 of 100,000,000

Throwback:

I am waking up every day, and the reason I am quiet is because I wake up with so much anxiety that it takes me a whole day to work my confidence back up and feel ok with our relationship. I am so invested in our relationship that the bickering is making me feel so low. I am not made for a relationship like what we have right now. I am used to having a relationship that gives me the safe haven that I need to deal with everything else. It upsets me so much every time we fight, bicker and argue because we are in such a beautiful place and we aren’t making amazing memories. Today is one of the first days where for the majority of it I felt better and happy with our relationship but it changed so quickly and another night/day has been ruined. I am so sorry for everything that I have done that has displeased you, annoyed or frustrated you. I have felt a little alone since we have been here, and maybe my wanting for my friends and family is coming across badly. I have never wanted to make you feel badly and have never wanted to be like this with you. As I said a few weeks before we came away – the happiest I have been, is with you. I am extremely sad that that has changed and you are not happy. So sorry. The way that this holiday has turned out has given me so much disappointment, sadness and anxiety – I wish I could take it back.

Break up confusion: part -7645 of 100,000,000

Walking around Hamburg, Germany… 3 days after:

 

Obviously with being away, I’ve had time to get space and think. I feel as though you just gave up, it was a couple of weeks of bad stuff compared to months of laughing and smiling. I’ve listened and understood when you said you don’t want a relationship and all of the stuff that comes with it – but do you not think after however many months it’s been, our relationship deserves more than you just giving up?!

Break up confusion: part 55,555 of 100,000,000

Trying to get over this person is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I am not forgetting that my mum walked out on my siblings and I. I am not forgetting I have mourned the death of all of my grandparents, two aunts, a friend, my first pet, family animals. I am not forgetting that my dad could be taken away from us. I am not forgetting my ex boyfriend of over 5 years.

And I simply think the reason is because of all of those things weren’t anything personal towards me. In fact, none of them were about me. They weren’t about things that I had done, who I am, who I wasn’t… They weren’t done for revenge or because I deserve it. They have all happened because that is simply how the world works. Mysterious.

However when it comes to this man, it is personal… He can say that he is who is and that he doesn’t want to change and that he is a selfish person and he doesn’t mind that about himself. But I never asked him to change. I fell in love with him because of who he is, because I see him for him. That hurts. I want to see it differently but the only thing I see is that I simply was not enough.

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You made a decision, about me. About me and you – in ten minutes. You let me go. You let me walk out of that door. Did you expect me to fight you? Convince you? You didn’t want us anymore. But after everything I gave, after everything that I believed in – you were done.

And there is such a huge part of me that knew you would do it. I told you, my greatest fear when we were us, was that you would simply wake up, or turn around and be done. Not want or need or desire me – that everything that I was and am, was simply not enough. No matter what I did, no matter how much of myself that I showed you, gave you – it was never going to be enough, was it?

You knew. Yet, when you caught my eyes and looked at me, saw my smile and noticed the colour of my eyes… you wanted to do it anyway. You wanted me to be yours, you couldn’t just leave it alone. I will take responsibility – oh boy, will I. I stopped looking, I stopped being bothered by having a special someone. But you flirted your way in. I don’t care if you ever look at me again and say that it wasn’t what you were doing, you know yourself well enough to admit that you are ‘selfish’. Well, my love, you know yourself well enough to know that you should never have let it get that far.

I fell in love with you.

I want to hate you now, I want to be mad at you. But I simply miss you, everything. The way you woke me up, the way you helped me to sleep. To even carry on with the list of all the wonderful things that you did and were hurts me. You hurt me. You hurt me for every day that goes past since you finished with me, since you made a decision for us. Did you think of me? No. Because you are selfish. I already know this.

I hope you find someone that does fill all those gaps in your soul, but if I am being honest with myself and you – that person doesn’t exist. She may do for a few years, she may be there for a while – you may even commit to marrying her, having babies with her. But you, the gentleman that is you, you will always end up in one place. Doing your laundry, watching your favourite TV shows whilst you wait. Texting whoever you want.

Nothing in life is easy, but I was one of the best things that you ever had. Sometimes I believe that you knew that (and that’s what scared you) yet – it is still simply not good enough. You had me, every single part of me. I am not perfect. But I was so perfect for you.

My dreams, can be dreamt differently, now that you are gone – I know that… but, did you know how beautiful they were?

I know you are happy. I know you are okay. I know you are unaffected.

Well, fuck you. Because I am not okay, and I am not unaffected. You hurt me.

Break up confusion: part -9999999 of 100,000,000

Me, myself and I.

Eventually you reach a point of realising that the person has gone. That soon enough the care and concern will go. You will both get on with your lives, or at least one of you will. You have done everything that you know used to or sometimes makes you happy, even just for a second. Movies, eating, drinking, shopping, being with friends and family. A new hair do. But at the end of the day you want to get back to the person that used to be able to sleep at night, the person that dances in the shower and all around the house (naked). You need to and want to get back to being the person that your other half fell for. You are learning to let go of a lot of things, but you will potentially bump into a person that smells very similar to your other half. Or a movie will come out that you both had been waiting to see. You only had plans to see it together – and as much as you now get to see it with your best friend albeit not alone… it just isn’t the same. You have reached the point where you feel bad for your friends having to listen to you. Like the scene in Sex and the City where the girls tell Carrie to go to therapy because she talks about her break up with Big non stop. As much as a lot of moving in is being with someone else, you aren’t ready and you have agreed with your close friends that maybe it would be a good thing for you to concentrate on yourself for a little while. Learn to be you again. You and yourself. Me, myself and I. Well, doesn’t that just have the potential to be so wonderful… and tragic all at the same time. You are allowed to miss someone, and you will probably miss them every day for quite a long time. You are allowed to crumble inside when something reminds you of them.

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You need to understand that it is a part of life to fall for someone, to trust, to love and to feel. There are a limited amount of people that do and feel nothing, and that, my love, is not living. You need to feel the pain, hurt and sadness in order to cherish the love that you do receive. There is nothing wrong with trusting, there is a line – you don’t have to be careless. You would never wish for anyone to hurt you, and I would never wish the pain of heartbreak upon my worst enemy. But ultimately you have a choice of whether you want to put one foot in front of the other, and accept, build and be stronger and better than you ever were.

You need to know that it is 100% okay not to be okay. It is also okay to give up on yourself, love and everything in between for a little while – but remember that anyone willing to let someone like you out of their life is not worthy of you disappearing from yourself for forever. You owe it to yourself, to come back better than ever. Don’t let another person be your down fall – find something else, find something that someone will find cute, something that someone, one day, will think of as your best part.

Understand that you will be okay, you are stronger than you think – miss them, love them… every day if that is what means that you get up, face the world and get on with achieving your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

People always use the metaphor of taking 1 step forward and 10 steps back but how about you take 1 step forward (you fell for someone), you take 20 steps back – but guess what, you can then take 22 steps forward. I believe in you.

Break up confusion: part 1000 of 100,000,000

Putting things back how they used to be. Or not.

You will never normally intentionally change things about yourself in a relationship, some things you will. But when you break up, some of those qualities will have to go, just in order for you to cope with being a single you again. But also – whether the relationship was good or bad – you have to take some treasures and good qualities with you.

397039_10150538064873676_1388316972_n For example – I have learnt to not wear make up. Now, for some this is a little thing and you won’t relate or understand. But for years my previous boyfriend (who I was with for over 5 years) told me I was beautiful with and without make up on. He never wanted me to wear as much make up as I did. I never needed it, and I knew all along that I didn’t need it – but I still wore it. Anyway – it took one person, and just him, for some reason, to change how I felt about it. It could have been the way he first said it, the way he looked at me, the fact that he never stopped telling me. But here I am now, I rarely wear make up.

photo 1 When we were mad for each other, and I wanted him to know I would say ‘thank you’. He gave me the confidence, somehow, to be this person. To have the confidence to have a bare face.

photo 2 Here I am, he gave me, taught me – something. And no matter if I wake up one day mad at him for not being mine, or if I stay in this place of just missing him… I would be lying if I said I didn’t learn or gain anything from my relationship with him.

photo 3 For different people it could be ‘x’ ‘y’ or ‘z’ – but for me, I am grateful and very blessed to have had that person in my life.

photo 4 It is important to remember the good, and everything you did and gained from being together – but it is also okay to put things about yourself back to how they used to be. Not that your other half told you to not be that way, or stopped you from having those qualities, maybe they just weren’t necessary when you were part of a relationship.

photo 5– don’t second guess everything.