What Were You Thinking?

But of course HE was, though, right? You look back and think now… Why wouldn’t he [cheat]? The best of both worlds. I’m sure he didn’t set out to destroy you. And break your heart.

But, he should have known himself better; he should have known better full stop.

Because she was happy before he came along, for the hundredth attempt and time.

Have you learned your lesson baby? No. You still love him, you fool.


Stand up.

People keep telling me, encouraging me, ordering me to finally let go and go be happy. Well, you know what, I think it is time as majority of the people that once made me happy are now totally absent for a different array of reasons, and I am still standing here… Surely you can not expect me to play ‘dormant’ until you return. If you ever return! Life doesn’t stop, time doesn’t stand still. You have to go out and make yourself happy, and today right now, within this time; I’m gonna do what those people told me to do! Make myself happy. Give myself reasons to smile. Surround myself with things, people, places etc: that make me smile, laugh and happy.

Others will call me selfish, I know that already – and I am totally prepared. You need to make a decision and ‘bloody well stick to it girl!’. I’m not here for your approval, and I certainly don’t need you to be proud of me anymore, in order to know that I am doing okay. Time to grow up, stand up.

I am who I am. No apologies, no excuses. I’m not here for anyone’s approval.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…

Over thinking. Over dreaming. Believing. Over Wishing. Naivety. Thinking. Impossibilities. Thinking too much.


For as long as I can remember, I have always let my imagination run wild, but not into the impossible, as I strongly believe. My imagination has always shown me possibilities but relied strongly on me doing the hard work, and always working 400% harder for something that my imagination created; rather than something I just naturally think of. There is a difference, please note, between my imagination, my natural thoughts & reactions, and my dreams & wishes.

With one topic (which could be an aspiration, a person, a materialistic item or relationship) that I have, for a while now imagined, thought of, and dreamt of… very often and it quite annoyingly takes up a lot of my day and brain capacity! Although, this was something that I didn’t realize I wanted so badly until I looked in the ‘mirror’ and found that I had done what comes most naturally to me, without even noticing, I made it so the one topic was untouchable. I pushed the one topic so far away, made it full of hate, full of distance; so that now I am left without it – without the possibility of it… I want it more than I ever have. [Even more so than when I first realized that I wanted the one topic.]

Or is now that because I cannot have it, I want it more? That old trick.

It was ever so wonderful, in the days where I got closer, I was ever so happy. At least, as happy as one could be, considering the environment and situation. The one topic was so painful, yet so utterly fulfilling. It felt mature, wise and very appropriate. It needed work done, although the cracks were the thing that made the one topic so beautiful.//

Either way, I will get it. I will make it happen. I know. From a past experience that lasted 3 years, I know I will. Regardless of whether it lives up to my expectations or not. I will get the one topic, in my hold, within my reach. It will, one day, be the reason for my smile. I really cannot wait to look back, and say ‘She said it, and she got it’…

‘Stuffed with Hugs and Good Wishes’

There must have been a ‘Once upon a time’ in my life where I didn’t have a problem with hugging people, there must have been a ‘Once upon a time’ where I didn’t force/make people try so hard just to get ‘in’ or that I didn’t struggle so much with letting them in… There must have been, right!?

I strongly believe that ANYONE that has met me or ‘knows’ me will tell you that I have a wall, regardless of what it is for and how it makes me look it is there. It does most of the time make me look like a cold cut off bitch. I am probably okay with that; it is better than them knowing everything about me. Mostly because, in order to know everything about me, you have to know everything about my family – and no matter what happens [no matter what they do, even if they hurt me] – I refuse to be the reason for their hatred towards me, their vengeance or their pain. I refuse. That may be a reason for the wall, who knows…

Regardless of my wall, regardless of the bad things I have done, regardless of the good things I have done, and regardless of what I have and haven’t achieved so far in life; I think that as a female, I have the want for being protected (to a certain degree) by the person I love, or by a person. As a human, there is that option of having someone just hold you… Someone you TRUST and love, hold you and make you feel ‘okay’ for a minute or two. In those moments, you forget words and their meanings and the looks in peoples eyes; you just feel… You feel the tightness and the warmth within them. But most of all, you know exactly how that embrace makes you feel. You have to go from there.

I am in the position of only trusting one person that I love. They may get distrcated from time to time. They may even really rub me the wrong way! But when they hold me… All the words they said, mean more, the looks of love and trust and beauty and peace and kindness; mean much much more to me. And them. If I don’t believe that, then I really have nothing. Nothing.

I have always never had ‘thousands’ of friends; I have never wanted many. I like the smallness of what I have got. I like that I know them, they know me, and that I can rely on them because they spent so long getting to know and learn me; for me to reply with my honesty. ‘There are *around 5* people on planet Earth that I could call at 3am in the morning and ask if they will help me bury a dead body, and they would, no questions asked.’ I like it that way.

I don’t care what people think of me, I can’t, I don’t have enough space for that. I don’t care if you think I’m heartless and cold; because the selected few, the honest few, know the truth.

There is one person, right now, asleep, somewhere in the world that I trust wholly and completely and only want to be held by. One. No one else will compare. I don’t want to be held by a liar, a psycho, or anyone in between.

If you know me, you know I’m stubborn.

I will only be held, by you.

The Ex and The Golden Rules of Revenge; Katherine Hudson

Rule One;

It is a plague on modern women everywhere. That haircut/dye/perm you get immediately following a break up– BUT as much as you want to avoid the ‘break up hair’ you have to do IT or something along the lines of a ‘fuck you’ or ‘look what you are missing’ otherwise, there really is NO fun in a break up!

This is when my jealousy for celebrities and famous people really kicks in, they can use the paparazzi, concerts, stage performances and red carpet appearances to present themselves knowing that everyone (and hopefully, including the EX) will see and comment on how HOT (or not) they are!

There are many ways to ‘get back’ or ‘change’ after a break up… You can get a new hair cut, hair colour, a tattoo, a spray tan, chucking everything out in your wardrobe and starting again, a new car, moving house, deleting Facebook and any other social network; this list can go on for forever! There is a very clear decision that first needs to be made though, and we can all deny it if needs be, but there is always a moment where you think in your head ‘He said that he always loved my hair like this, and when I wore this colour blah blah blah’ – and with that infomation you can perfect yourself head-to-toe the way ‘he would love to see you’ OR you can let rip, and FINALLY where THAT dress that he always hated but made you feel a million pounds, and wear THOSE really high shoes, or do your hair how YOU like it…

Men do it too! Johnny Depp edited his ‘Winona Forever’ tattoo

Denise Richards covered over her tattoo that was dedicated to ex husband Charlie Sheen

Katie Price famously ‘edited’ her tattoo on her television show, later covering it altogether

It is, and always will be, the war between saying ‘Fuck you’ or ‘Look what you are missing baby’. It will be that way until you find the ‘you’ that you want to be, and forget about what they would have wanted for you, and you just be yourself.

A *perfect* example of a woman who has ‘bounced’ back after a break up (and not just any break up, it was a marriage break down); is Katy Perry (Real name; Katherine Hudson (Brand)). [Yes, I have mentioned her in previous blogs similar to this; you can look here https://nolessthanbutterflies.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/wonderful-worlds/]

Even though Katy Perry was already in the stages of changing her hair from her ‘known for’ black locks (although naturally blonde) before the break up of her marriage to Russell Brand… She really went out and did some changing to her hair, her style, and her life! [Please note: I understand that Katy Perry’s style can be labelled as hard to track as she is always forever changing her style and you never know what to expect of her, but she has really done a U-turn; even for Katy Perry! http://wonderwall.msn.com/music/style-profile-katy-perry-11266.gallery#!wallState=0__%2Fmusic%2Fstyle-profile-katy-perry-11266.gallery%3FphotoId%3D39116]

From Blonde to Pink to Blue to Purple to Black/Purple; From long to short, to fringe, to curly, to straight, to natural to really long!

It does make me wonder how did Russell Brand like to see his wifey? They met and she had Black hair, but within their short marriage, Katy Perry donned many arrays of wigs, hair lengths, dresses and many different styles! Something we will never know, I guess, as even on the red carpet standing next to her then-husband, Katy would look very sexy at times, take the piss, and play it safe; plain and simple! But even from the pictures, you cannot tell which look he preferred on his Californian bride.

Both have been pictured (although not formally addressed the public about their ‘new’ other halves); Katy rumoured and photograohed with some very beautiful French male models and guitarists, who don’t seem to have any complaints about her hair colour!

As long as you don’t take it too far, and react too quickly and do something that may take a while to undo or is irreversible (tattoos, breast implants, plastic surgery etc) and keep it to the change of attire, hair colour change; that is okay! Hair grows back, hearts heal, clothes can change but you can’t get back your dignity at the end of the day. Have fun with it, have fun with your new found freedom, but do not lower yourself to their level, because the journey back up may be a lot harder than the heartbreak in the first place!

Gladys’ Girl; Norma Jeane

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe’s death, made her the glorified and iconic woman she is today. There are many people who believe she was murdered, as there are many people who believe it was suicide, and there were many people who believe it was a very fatal accident…

Born Norma Jeane Mortensen on the First of June 1926 (making her a Gemini), she was and always will be a Los Angeles, California gal.

Through working in an office, you find things to entertain yourself, especially as I find that I am, in fact, not, a stereotype and need to entertain and create laughter. Therefore we share funny facts, strange sexual jokes, and frustration at the working situation. I came across the ‘fact’ that Marilyn Monroe… had 6 toes on one foot.

Although I am, yes, a Media Studies student and I have done intense research and studies into theories, especially The Beauty Myth, I was left shattered… but shattered, as an 18-year-old girl who looked up to a Hollywood Icon, and although yes, as ‘My Week With Marilyn’ portrays she may not have been perfect mentally; she sure as hell led me to believe she was perfect physically. Over the years I have come to learn things such as; she always wore a bra in bed as they left her looking her best, and without it she felt she looked unflattering; hence why Sarah Jessica Parker always wore bra’s during Sex and the City as Carrie Bradshaw. But this ‘fact’ left me purplexed, unbelieving and with a need to re-justify my love for Marilyn.

She died just two months and 3 days after her birthday. At the ripe age of 36. She has been laid to rest at Westwood Memorial Cemetery in California…

Studio’s claim that her measurements were 37-23-36 inches although her dressmaker claims 35-22-35 inches; what does that say to you about the industry? [What us clever and logical ones already knew!]

Many of these facts I did already know; for example, she was naturally brown haired (but, of course, we all do this and that to our hair, that doesn’t make her different). Marilyn had blue eyes, also the same height at me at 5 feet and 5 and a half inches. It is also claimed she weighed around 118 pounds (which, nowadays would leave her with a Body Mass Index of 19.3, the low end of ‘normal – whatever that is!). Marilyn’s dress size is 12, trousers is 8, shoe size (again the same as me) european 39 [uk6]. Here we go gents…. Bra size: 36 D. Bigger than Miss Katie Price aka Jordan!

Number of toes – 10. (There is a false rumor that she had 6
toes on each foot, but baby pictures show otherwise, and
people who knew her intimately say that she was perfect
in all her measurements and dimensions.)

Social Security Number: 563-32-0764. Phone Numbers at 5th Helena Home: 476-1890 and 472-4830.

So, is she still your (or one of) your icons? Because she certainly is still one of mine!

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

too much?

Good Morning!

I had to go out last night, my life is a mess right now…
I had to out with my friends yesterday…Yes Until 5.am as you seen.
 because in the middle of the night, the agent of the guy I’m shooting in Beverly hills text me this… ” Hey Ayaz, The House is not available for shooting until the end of the year”
All my world just fall apart when I received that e-mail.
I haven’t smoke weed, since I have work every day.
Anyway, this e-mail you sent me made me very happy as always, you know? You have no idea about the desperation and sadness that is going trough my body right now…. I lost the complete control about what’s gonna happen in my life tomorrow or in an year…
I had everything prepared,but I’m still gonna talk with the agent, there’s must be a solution.
I know, I should follow more your blog, and I will also “Share” it on my facebook account, so people see and understand what are you girls going trough, That image of the of you girls ridding a bicycle I can almost imagine you.
Your mom loves you, like mine loves me, like Alex mom loves him, it’s something normal, Mother will always miss us, but they are always gonna be there for their kids, always, it’s the cycle of life, to move on, find new activities and try new prospectives of life, different cultures, different feelings, different emotions…. I don’t blame her, If I has a baby like you, I would stay with you forever in my arms if I could!!! But then again, it’s your course, if you don’t feel like it is the right choice, then obviously you have to change for something else… that’s my personal opinion about that kind of stuff… it’s something that is going to make part of your life, for one year…you just have to make sure about that course. I don’t pressure you, I don’t decide for you, that is something that you have to decide yourself, obviously I’m here to help or to comment whenever you feel lost, that’s why I am here, I’m your boyfriend, and I’ll stay on your side, no matter what choice you make, I’m your Boy, always in your side. Lets frame the pictures together in here in New York, let’s do it together so you take them with you back home.
I need you more than anything today, I’m feeling really down, gladly I have you and my friends to cheer me up, no film= nothing…
I’m fucked up…..But as always I’m going to keep on moving and chose another options.
As I’m writing these e-mail to you there is the Ice Cream truck outside putting that silly music to call children attention…  I feel like a Child now, I feel like I need you , and I wanna hug you, I might go outside and choke myself in one of those creamy, fatty, greasy ice creams from New york city…
I need you here, I need my girlfriend :(, I miss you so much…I just wanna stay with my girlfriend forever in that our little secret place, I love how this e-mail made me feel so happy, Jackpot…..
Talking about those dates, Silvia was supposed to come in the 3rd of August to my house in NYC, because by that time i was still working in my film, and that was the date i told her to come to go to L.A with me then. She already bought the ticket, I’m doing my best to ask her to change it to after the 8th so I have my time with you alone. I’m willing to pay the new flight so she come later.
I’m still going to read the e-mails you write me, over and over again, even when I’m old you know? I wanna be on my 40’s or 50’s and read that this girl one day made me smile even in the worst of my days… and that’s why I LOVE YOU that’s why I’m crazy in love for you. By the way, No you are not making sense I didn’t understand word, of getting married separately… why In the world are we talking about marriage in first place, and second why does it have to be separately? I didn’t get it, rather not reading that part….
Right now I do miss my family…
Right now I do miss my friends…
but Right now what I really miss most is my girlfriend….
I have may not reached the 1,200 words but one thing is certain…
The Love and passion I feel for you right now, is bigger than whatever I can write….or you can..
I love you more than anything.
X -Doze….
P.S- the thing you wrote on the Diary in the 13th of July made me so happy…to read it, It would be a dream came true, to be with you 24/7, but then again is something personal that unfortunately even if I want, it’s not up to me to decide it….
But just so you know… Yes…made me smile a lot.