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Break up confusion: part 100,000,001 of 100,000,000

I fell in love, and I fell in love hard. But it left me crying my eyes out, 2 stone heavier and on a plane to Hamburg with my best friends.

I was never the girl to confess my love to anyone – ‘I love you, I love you’. But with him, it kept exploding out of me… I could never keep it in, I wanted him to know. I knew he wasn’t in love with me, but I was okay with that because the affection, attention and time that we had together filled me up in so many ways. I had never felt that before.

He asked me at the beginning to be ‘open’ to us. Even though he had already backed out once. There was something about him that made me trust him. That made me jump in head first – give my time and attention to, 100%.

Even he can tell you that I always had a tiny bit of fear that he would just text me one day and be done… Saying the same things he said 5 days after we first slept together. But he always reassured me that if it was ever going to happen, I would know, and it wouldn’t be over text. However this is where the line gets blurry because I guess it did happen on just ‘one day’ and I guess it did just happen over text. He broke my heart, because I was madly in love.

I always dreamt of the relationship that we had. Him driving. Us sleeping together almost every night. Him helping me to sleep. Us both being a part of each other’s lives. Being called his girlfriend made me the happiest I had been in such a long time.

With the rise, comes the fall.

Anyone who knows me knows that I believe in butterflies, and that you should never settle for anything less. Well I am saying now, that everyday and every second with him was butterflies. Even the bits I didn’t like, the butterflies pushed me through to the other side. Love.

The butterflies, unfortunately are still very much there. I’m not sure they will ever go away… But they will also remind me to be so much more careful in the future, despite the fact that I do not regret meeting him, loving him, even still.

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Break up confusion: part 36,762 of 100,000,000

Throwback:

I am waking up every day, and the reason I am quiet is because I wake up with so much anxiety that it takes me a whole day to work my confidence back up and feel ok with our relationship. I am so invested in our relationship that the bickering is making me feel so low. I am not made for a relationship like what we have right now. I am used to having a relationship that gives me the safe haven that I need to deal with everything else. It upsets me so much every time we fight, bicker and argue because we are in such a beautiful place and we aren’t making amazing memories. Today is one of the first days where for the majority of it I felt better and happy with our relationship but it changed so quickly and another night/day has been ruined. I am so sorry for everything that I have done that has displeased you, annoyed or frustrated you. I have felt a little alone since we have been here, and maybe my wanting for my friends and family is coming across badly. I have never wanted to make you feel badly and have never wanted to be like this with you. As I said a few weeks before we came away – the happiest I have been, is with you. I am extremely sad that that has changed and you are not happy. So sorry. The way that this holiday has turned out has given me so much disappointment, sadness and anxiety – I wish I could take it back.

Break up confusion: part -7645 of 100,000,000

Walking around Hamburg, Germany… 3 days after:

 

Obviously with being away, I’ve had time to get space and think. I feel as though you just gave up, it was a couple of weeks of bad stuff compared to months of laughing and smiling. I’ve listened and understood when you said you don’t want a relationship and all of the stuff that comes with it – but do you not think after however many months it’s been, our relationship deserves more than you just giving up?!

Break up confusion: part 55,555 of 100,000,000

Trying to get over this person is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I am not forgetting that my mum walked out on my siblings and I. I am not forgetting I have mourned the death of all of my grandparents, two aunts, a friend, my first pet, family animals. I am not forgetting that my dad could be taken away from us. I am not forgetting my ex boyfriend of over 5 years.

And I simply think the reason is because of all of those things weren’t anything personal towards me. In fact, none of them were about me. They weren’t about things that I had done, who I am, who I wasn’t… They weren’t done for revenge or because I deserve it. They have all happened because that is simply how the world works. Mysterious.

However when it comes to this man, it is personal… He can say that he is who is and that he doesn’t want to change and that he is a selfish person and he doesn’t mind that about himself. But I never asked him to change. I fell in love with him because of who he is, because I see him for him. That hurts. I want to see it differently but the only thing I see is that I simply was not enough.

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You made a decision, about me. About me and you – in ten minutes. You let me go. You let me walk out of that door. Did you expect me to fight you? Convince you? You didn’t want us anymore. But after everything I gave, after everything that I believed in – you were done.

And there is such a huge part of me that knew you would do it. I told you, my greatest fear when we were us, was that you would simply wake up, or turn around and be done. Not want or need or desire me – that everything that I was and am, was simply not enough. No matter what I did, no matter how much of myself that I showed you, gave you – it was never going to be enough, was it?

You knew. Yet, when you caught my eyes and looked at me, saw my smile and noticed the colour of my eyes… you wanted to do it anyway. You wanted me to be yours, you couldn’t just leave it alone. I will take responsibility – oh boy, will I. I stopped looking, I stopped being bothered by having a special someone. But you flirted your way in. I don’t care if you ever look at me again and say that it wasn’t what you were doing, you know yourself well enough to admit that you are ‘selfish’. Well, my love, you know yourself well enough to know that you should never have let it get that far.

I fell in love with you.

I want to hate you now, I want to be mad at you. But I simply miss you, everything. The way you woke me up, the way you helped me to sleep. To even carry on with the list of all the wonderful things that you did and were hurts me. You hurt me. You hurt me for every day that goes past since you finished with me, since you made a decision for us. Did you think of me? No. Because you are selfish. I already know this.

I hope you find someone that does fill all those gaps in your soul, but if I am being honest with myself and you – that person doesn’t exist. She may do for a few years, she may be there for a while – you may even commit to marrying her, having babies with her. But you, the gentleman that is you, you will always end up in one place. Doing your laundry, watching your favourite TV shows whilst you wait. Texting whoever you want.

Nothing in life is easy, but I was one of the best things that you ever had. Sometimes I believe that you knew that (and that’s what scared you) yet – it is still simply not good enough. You had me, every single part of me. I am not perfect. But I was so perfect for you.

My dreams, can be dreamt differently, now that you are gone – I know that… but, did you know how beautiful they were?

I know you are happy. I know you are okay. I know you are unaffected.

Well, fuck you. Because I am not okay, and I am not unaffected. You hurt me.

Break up confusion: part -9999999 of 100,000,000

Me, myself and I.

Eventually you reach a point of realising that the person has gone. That soon enough the care and concern will go. You will both get on with your lives, or at least one of you will. You have done everything that you know used to or sometimes makes you happy, even just for a second. Movies, eating, drinking, shopping, being with friends and family. A new hair do. But at the end of the day you want to get back to the person that used to be able to sleep at night, the person that dances in the shower and all around the house (naked). You need to and want to get back to being the person that your other half fell for. You are learning to let go of a lot of things, but you will potentially bump into a person that smells very similar to your other half. Or a movie will come out that you both had been waiting to see. You only had plans to see it together – and as much as you now get to see it with your best friend albeit not alone… it just isn’t the same. You have reached the point where you feel bad for your friends having to listen to you. Like the scene in Sex and the City where the girls tell Carrie to go to therapy because she talks about her break up with Big non stop. As much as a lot of moving in is being with someone else, you aren’t ready and you have agreed with your close friends that maybe it would be a good thing for you to concentrate on yourself for a little while. Learn to be you again. You and yourself. Me, myself and I. Well, doesn’t that just have the potential to be so wonderful… and tragic all at the same time. You are allowed to miss someone, and you will probably miss them every day for quite a long time. You are allowed to crumble inside when something reminds you of them.

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You need to understand that it is a part of life to fall for someone, to trust, to love and to feel. There are a limited amount of people that do and feel nothing, and that, my love, is not living. You need to feel the pain, hurt and sadness in order to cherish the love that you do receive. There is nothing wrong with trusting, there is a line – you don’t have to be careless. You would never wish for anyone to hurt you, and I would never wish the pain of heartbreak upon my worst enemy. But ultimately you have a choice of whether you want to put one foot in front of the other, and accept, build and be stronger and better than you ever were.

You need to know that it is 100% okay not to be okay. It is also okay to give up on yourself, love and everything in between for a little while – but remember that anyone willing to let someone like you out of their life is not worthy of you disappearing from yourself for forever. You owe it to yourself, to come back better than ever. Don’t let another person be your down fall – find something else, find something that someone will find cute, something that someone, one day, will think of as your best part.

Understand that you will be okay, you are stronger than you think – miss them, love them… every day if that is what means that you get up, face the world and get on with achieving your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

People always use the metaphor of taking 1 step forward and 10 steps back but how about you take 1 step forward (you fell for someone), you take 20 steps back – but guess what, you can then take 22 steps forward. I believe in you.

Break up confusion: part 1000 of 100,000,000

Putting things back how they used to be. Or not.

You will never normally intentionally change things about yourself in a relationship, some things you will. But when you break up, some of those qualities will have to go, just in order for you to cope with being a single you again. But also – whether the relationship was good or bad – you have to take some treasures and good qualities with you.

397039_10150538064873676_1388316972_n For example – I have learnt to not wear make up. Now, for some this is a little thing and you won’t relate or understand. But for years my previous boyfriend (who I was with for over 5 years) told me I was beautiful with and without make up on. He never wanted me to wear as much make up as I did. I never needed it, and I knew all along that I didn’t need it – but I still wore it. Anyway – it took one person, and just him, for some reason, to change how I felt about it. It could have been the way he first said it, the way he looked at me, the fact that he never stopped telling me. But here I am now, I rarely wear make up.

photo 1 When we were mad for each other, and I wanted him to know I would say ‘thank you’. He gave me the confidence, somehow, to be this person. To have the confidence to have a bare face.

photo 2 Here I am, he gave me, taught me – something. And no matter if I wake up one day mad at him for not being mine, or if I stay in this place of just missing him… I would be lying if I said I didn’t learn or gain anything from my relationship with him.

photo 3 For different people it could be ‘x’ ‘y’ or ‘z’ – but for me, I am grateful and very blessed to have had that person in my life.

photo 4 It is important to remember the good, and everything you did and gained from being together – but it is also okay to put things about yourself back to how they used to be. Not that your other half told you to not be that way, or stopped you from having those qualities, maybe they just weren’t necessary when you were part of a relationship.

photo 5– don’t second guess everything.

It’s YOU.

You are what’s wrong with the world. And anyone that has listened to Baz Luhrman’s ‘Everybody’s free (to wear sunscreen)’ will know that you should stay away from magazines “they will only make you feel ugly”.

Now, I am about to take a different stance when it comes to the photoshop vs. skinny vs. fat vs. fake debate.

Britney Spears (I’m trying very hard to remove my hardcore admiration for her) she steps on the stage, looking AMAZING (taking note; she has had two kids and I have had none… She still looks better than me and I’m more than 10 years her junior!).

It should be no news to any magazine or publisher that majority of photo shoots, adverts etc. use photo shop. We all know this.

But please. Slam a person for going out and (from what I have read) putting on a fucking amazing show. She looked incredible, and most of all, happy – up on that stage. But there you go… With your quip.

‘Yep, that’s for proving us right (ignoring your talent) you did use photoshop and you aren’t that skinny’ – YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD (among other things).

We will never win.

End of rant x

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Maybe we could be each other’s soul mates

“Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we could be each other’s soul mates. Then we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.” Charlotte York, Sex and the City.

Lucky for me… I have my soul mate. But even better than that I am blessed enough that he will be there, for ever.

Months can go by, and a lot can change (believe me! I’m talking lovers, ex lovers, marriage, tattoos, weight, hair, and god knows what else) but there he is… My SOLE/SOUL mate.

6 years ago, god knows what month it was… I was put clubbing with a group of friends and my current boyfriend. I know exactly what I was wearing (high waisted harem black suit trousers, black Mary Jane Louboutins, low cut/low back white racer back ripped vest, and a very naughty, very see through, lace and silk bra; and of course, a chanel 2.55 – it will always be me to wear a vest that was slutty but I had picked up from a market in Vietnam, trousers from Topshop and then top the cost of my whole outfit by adding a bag and shoes!). Anyway; there I was walking along the high street of this little town that I had grown up in to go move my boyfriends car whilst he was busy buying everyone drinks… Who do I bump into? My love, my genie, Reece Morgan. Now what I haven’t mentioned is that – this club was full of nice girls dressed like hoochies! You would see a Chanel here, Kurt Geiger there, Prada there… But the main aim with these girlies was sluttiness and as you can probably tell; what I was wearing was sexy, subtle but never hoochie mumma! Maybe that’s why he chose me, only he could tell you that. The inimitable Reece. So there I am, treating the high street as a run way and I bump into an acquaintance, turns out he was heading to the same place I was drinking with his girlies. Before I knew it, 2 weeks later I was on a stone table, in a mesh body, with black lipstick, wet look black eyeshadow, slicked back jet black hair… Pouting and posing. And that was just the beginning…

Now, when I first came across Reece I just knew him to be an aspiring photographer with an amazing sense of style. It wasn’t until we had numerous Cosmos and Margaritas that I realised every element that makes him is pure fabulous. From his ever changing hair styles, ooh snap! To his huge collection of handbags from Louis Vuitton, Burberry, Chanel and Hermes. Not forgetting his irresistibly delicious personality.

Only Reece would turn up at one of my friends magazine launch parties in Mayfair and get papped on his way home, simply for looking so gorg and fabulous. As if! Crazy.

This man is there for everything whether it be a simple BBQ in the garden of my fathers ranch (me in flares and him in all black), drinks in Canary Wharf (me in 10 inch heels and him in vintage), winter cocktails in Covent Garden (me with my pink 2.55 chanel and him draping himself in fur), a burlesque show in the West End (me in all black apart from my rose gold courts and Michael Kors and him traipsing in Dior), a Cheryl Cole concert at the O2 arena (me in leather trousers and him holding a jug of Cosmo) or us trying to figure out a way to make pink fishnet mesh work in my dressing room.

But it’s not just the clothes, the memories and the designers, it’s the art – his art, my drunken ‘art’, the art of love (or trying I find it), our worshipping of art (whether it be SJP, bitching about Kim K, slamming Britney, or worshipping the queens of the red carpet and the skinny bitches behind a camera!). There is pure talent there, and not necessarily the talent that you make for yourself by having a subscription to Vogue, or trading in your mums vintage for the to-die-for-vintage, or dressing to impress… For me, he was born with it. It’s the air, the blood and all the different organs that put him together and create pure talent-full fabulousness!

Well ya know what, here’s to the men that have come and gone (and stayed!) for the both of us, the fashion faux pas (for the both of us!!) and here’s to the next 50 plus years where this (photographer, stylist, socialite, bitch, editor, realised) man will still be my soul/sole mate… Because no matter what happens I will be wearing my Louboutins as slippers and he might well be taking the trash out in his vintage Hermes.

Love you, DOLL.

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Elizabeth. Woolridge. Grant.

Elizabeth Wooldridge Grant; 25, female, from New York City USA.

When I was 15, my [then] best friend and I went to see The Pussycat Dolls perform their ‘Doll Domination’ tour at London’s O2 Arena. At the time, I couldn’t say that I was a very big fan of the Pussycat Dolls, as I was noticing more that it was just the ‘Nicole Scherzinger show’ and although, yes, she has an amazing voice, I much prefer the idea of watching the girls as a band. We were lucky enough to get seats on the ground floor, and were only 9 rows back (which isn’t too close that you are looking up the whole time but close enough to really see them); the tickets only cost us £90 each, and I say only, because we had no idea what we had signed ourselves up for. My friend forgot to tell me that The Pussycat Dolls were being supported by Ne-yo and that Ne-yo was being supported by the One and Only… Lady Gaga. – At this time Lady Gaga wasn’t actually too much of a star, not many people in the arena knew the words to her songs, or many of her songs other than ‘Just Dance’; and not many people in the arena or around the world were ready for what Lady Gaga wanted to bring to the table. – A couple of months before I had watched and listened to her music video for ‘Just Dance’ but had also seen the movie for which the song features, I then felt the total need to research this ‘Lady Character’ for which I then became so completely addicted. This left me in complete awe of Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta especially because, I was quick to realise, that her voice is much more powerful than a great edited pop track. [Which we clearly get to see and hear through her performance of ‘Lady is a Tramp’].

When people are climbing up the ladder of fame, they have to [and they can all deny it if they choose] put part of themselves aside, and sacrifice a few things in order to shock the audience and their public, so that a frenzy is created around them, enough for them to stick around long enough for them to prove their talent. This becomes evident in Lady Gaga’s approach. For example, her first ever interview with Jonathon Ross 2009 [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KG_Jm3NhujY] in which she doesn’t connect with his sense of humor and leaves everyone who is watching in a complete state of shock at her attitude and personality. We were talking about it for days. One point for Haus of Gaga. At the time, this pissed me off because people then didn’t want to listen to her “crazy” and “out there” music, and as a self confessed fan, I was angry at the way she was wasting her talent. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KG_Jm3NhujY] After studying Media Studies, I now know exactly what she was doing- and you can understand that by then watching her interview with Jonathon Ross from 2011 and then the statistics between the two dates and look what she achieved! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prXWQAXYFIQ]

A very similar thing happened between me and Jessie J [Jessica Cronish]. I was in the common room of my 6th form college about a year ago, year and a half ago, and a close friend of mine played an acoustic tune along with a very deep huskey vocal; the music video for ‘Do It Like A Dude’ [please note, the pop version not the acoustic] came out a few months after that, I think the same week the Jessie J was playing at KoKo club in Camden, London. Along with Wretch 32 [who I had met and performed a music video with] Dappy from NDubz, Devlin and Professor Green. It may sound sad and a little pathetic, but this is when my friend and I really realised that Jessie J’s voice is so powerful, we were crying when she performed ‘Who You Are’ because you can see and hear her emotional attachment to the ballad. A few weeks after this Jessie J blew up and was being played on every radio station and was being talked about so often. But it wasn’t until the Capital FM Summer Time Ball that year that her fans and admirers were exposed to what her voice really is; stunning. Yes, they had followed her music videos, her interviews, and brought her album; but they got to hear that it wasn’t all edits, and back up singers… and that Jessie J has a complete natural talent.

The reason this blog post started with the details of ‘New Girl on the Block’ Lana Del Rey is because after researching her for a bit, there isn’t that much infomation or gossip etc about her, at the moment! I came across a few interviews and videos after listening to her album ‘Born to Die’ for a couple of days straight. Although I didn’t get a chance to notice her when she first uploaded the video she made her for the song she wrote and sung ‘Video Games’ because I was off galavanting all over the world; but now that her album is here and another new music video – I am utterly falling for her voice as well as her style and even her front and personality. – Through my research I found that she got quite a few bad reviews for her performance on American chat show ‘Saturday Night Live’ although she then backed herself up by saying that her performance was exactly how she wanted; and that her fans know and understand that that is her style. I like her more.

There are many things to like about ‘Lizzy Grant’, not only her tres cool and chic stage name, but along with the fact that she doesn’t claim to be someone that struggled for money and built her way up. Take note from her twitter account; “EVERYTHING I WANT I HAVE. MONEY, NOTORIETY AND RIVIERAS – I EVEN THINK I FOUND GOD – IN THE FLASH BULBS OF YOUR PRETTY CAMERAS.” Not many people know that she comes from a very rich family [just like the actress Rooney Mara] and that she was lucky enough to have her father help her buy her way into the music business. Each to their own, I say. Lana has been quoted to see herself as a “gangster Nancy Sinatra” which is spot on perfection, she looks up to Elvis and Britney Spears. But the only way you are going to understand and appreciate her talent is if you listen to her album, but listen to her album with an open mind and maybe a nice tasty glass of wine at the end of a long day.

In terms of the actual album and the music itself, which Lizzy has written, only 3 songs have been sung live and through promotion by her (Blue Jeans, Video Games and Born to Die, the track which the record was named after). ‘Born to Die’ and ‘Video Games’ are the only two tracks to, so far, be accompanied by music videos. I can officially say that I have my favourite songs off the album, one of which I think might be released as her next song if it isn’t ‘Blue Jeans’; the song is named ‘National Anthem’. The lyrics are sparky and sparkly and totally ideal for the backing choir of Lizzy’s voice as well as the instruments used.

The lyrics for ‘This Is What Makes Us Girls’ are spot on, universal, truthful and totally rebelious at the same time. This is the part of the music industry and my passion for music that I love; the lyrics and the beat mixed together, creating butterflies and a wonderful feeling that she has used her talent to express her experience, letting everyone else know that rich, famous, beautiful people aren’t immune to feeling what we, regular people, feel.

“Living in the best of the memories, and honoring the past” Please feel free to watch this video interview Lana Del Rey did for MTV; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1F7toKvICs

“I’m not really interested in a ton of female musicians but there is something about Britney that compelled me — the way she sings and just the way she looks,” Lana Del Rey and Britney Spears… http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1678375/lana-del-rey-britney-spears.jhtml

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Lyrics from ‘This is what makes us girls’;

This is what makes us girls
We all stick together ’cause we put our love first
Don’t cry about him,