Break up confusion: part 100,000,001 of 100,000,000

I fell in love, and I fell in love hard. But it left me crying my eyes out, 2 stone heavier and on a plane to Hamburg with my best friends.

I was never the girl to confess my love to anyone – ‘I love you, I love you’. But with him, it kept exploding out of me… I could never keep it in, I wanted him to know. I knew he wasn’t in love with me, but I was okay with that because the affection, attention and time that we had together filled me up in so many ways. I had never felt that before.

He asked me at the beginning to be ‘open’ to us. Even though he had already backed out once. There was something about him that made me trust him. That made me jump in head first – give my time and attention to, 100%.

Even he can tell you that I always had a tiny bit of fear that he would just text me one day and be done… Saying the same things he said 5 days after we first slept together. But he always reassured me that if it was ever going to happen, I would know, and it wouldn’t be over text. However this is where the line gets blurry because I guess it did happen on just ‘one day’ and I guess it did just happen over text. He broke my heart, because I was madly in love.

I always dreamt of the relationship that we had. Him driving. Us sleeping together almost every night. Him helping me to sleep. Us both being a part of each other’s lives. Being called his girlfriend made me the happiest I had been in such a long time.

With the rise, comes the fall.

Anyone who knows me knows that I believe in butterflies, and that you should never settle for anything less. Well I am saying now, that everyday and every second with him was butterflies. Even the bits I didn’t like, the butterflies pushed me through to the other side. Love.

The butterflies, unfortunately are still very much there. I’m not sure they will ever go away… But they will also remind me to be so much more careful in the future, despite the fact that I do not regret meeting him, loving him, even still.


Break up confusion: part 36,762 of 100,000,000


I am waking up every day, and the reason I am quiet is because I wake up with so much anxiety that it takes me a whole day to work my confidence back up and feel ok with our relationship. I am so invested in our relationship that the bickering is making me feel so low. I am not made for a relationship like what we have right now. I am used to having a relationship that gives me the safe haven that I need to deal with everything else. It upsets me so much every time we fight, bicker and argue because we are in such a beautiful place and we aren’t making amazing memories. Today is one of the first days where for the majority of it I felt better and happy with our relationship but it changed so quickly and another night/day has been ruined. I am so sorry for everything that I have done that has displeased you, annoyed or frustrated you. I have felt a little alone since we have been here, and maybe my wanting for my friends and family is coming across badly. I have never wanted to make you feel badly and have never wanted to be like this with you. As I said a few weeks before we came away – the happiest I have been, is with you. I am extremely sad that that has changed and you are not happy. So sorry. The way that this holiday has turned out has given me so much disappointment, sadness and anxiety – I wish I could take it back.

Break up confusion: part -7645 of 100,000,000

Walking around Hamburg, Germany… 3 days after:


Obviously with being away, I’ve had time to get space and think. I feel as though you just gave up, it was a couple of weeks of bad stuff compared to months of laughing and smiling. I’ve listened and understood when you said you don’t want a relationship and all of the stuff that comes with it – but do you not think after however many months it’s been, our relationship deserves more than you just giving up?!

Break up confusion: part 55,555 of 100,000,000

Trying to get over this person is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I am not forgetting that my mum walked out on my siblings and I. I am not forgetting I have mourned the death of all of my grandparents, two aunts, a friend, my first pet, family animals. I am not forgetting that my dad could be taken away from us. I am not forgetting my ex boyfriend of over 5 years.

And I simply think the reason is because of all of those things weren’t anything personal towards me. In fact, none of them were about me. They weren’t about things that I had done, who I am, who I wasn’t… They weren’t done for revenge or because I deserve it. They have all happened because that is simply how the world works. Mysterious.

However when it comes to this man, it is personal… He can say that he is who is and that he doesn’t want to change and that he is a selfish person and he doesn’t mind that about himself. But I never asked him to change. I fell in love with him because of who he is, because I see him for him. That hurts. I want to see it differently but the only thing I see is that I simply was not enough.


You made a decision, about me. About me and you – in ten minutes. You let me go. You let me walk out of that door. Did you expect me to fight you? Convince you? You didn’t want us anymore. But after everything I gave, after everything that I believed in – you were done.

And there is such a huge part of me that knew you would do it. I told you, my greatest fear when we were us, was that you would simply wake up, or turn around and be done. Not want or need or desire me – that everything that I was and am, was simply not enough. No matter what I did, no matter how much of myself that I showed you, gave you – it was never going to be enough, was it?

You knew. Yet, when you caught my eyes and looked at me, saw my smile and noticed the colour of my eyes… you wanted to do it anyway. You wanted me to be yours, you couldn’t just leave it alone. I will take responsibility – oh boy, will I. I stopped looking, I stopped being bothered by having a special someone. But you flirted your way in. I don’t care if you ever look at me again and say that it wasn’t what you were doing, you know yourself well enough to admit that you are ‘selfish’. Well, my love, you know yourself well enough to know that you should never have let it get that far.

I fell in love with you.

I want to hate you now, I want to be mad at you. But I simply miss you, everything. The way you woke me up, the way you helped me to sleep. To even carry on with the list of all the wonderful things that you did and were hurts me. You hurt me. You hurt me for every day that goes past since you finished with me, since you made a decision for us. Did you think of me? No. Because you are selfish. I already know this.

I hope you find someone that does fill all those gaps in your soul, but if I am being honest with myself and you – that person doesn’t exist. She may do for a few years, she may be there for a while – you may even commit to marrying her, having babies with her. But you, the gentleman that is you, you will always end up in one place. Doing your laundry, watching your favourite TV shows whilst you wait. Texting whoever you want.

Nothing in life is easy, but I was one of the best things that you ever had. Sometimes I believe that you knew that (and that’s what scared you) yet – it is still simply not good enough. You had me, every single part of me. I am not perfect. But I was so perfect for you.

My dreams, can be dreamt differently, now that you are gone – I know that… but, did you know how beautiful they were?

I know you are happy. I know you are okay. I know you are unaffected.

Well, fuck you. Because I am not okay, and I am not unaffected. You hurt me.

Break up confusion: part -9999999 of 100,000,000

Me, myself and I.

Eventually you reach a point of realising that the person has gone. That soon enough the care and concern will go. You will both get on with your lives, or at least one of you will. You have done everything that you know used to or sometimes makes you happy, even just for a second. Movies, eating, drinking, shopping, being with friends and family. A new hair do. But at the end of the day you want to get back to the person that used to be able to sleep at night, the person that dances in the shower and all around the house (naked). You need to and want to get back to being the person that your other half fell for. You are learning to let go of a lot of things, but you will potentially bump into a person that smells very similar to your other half. Or a movie will come out that you both had been waiting to see. You only had plans to see it together – and as much as you now get to see it with your best friend albeit not alone… it just isn’t the same. You have reached the point where you feel bad for your friends having to listen to you. Like the scene in Sex and the City where the girls tell Carrie to go to therapy because she talks about her break up with Big non stop. As much as a lot of moving in is being with someone else, you aren’t ready and you have agreed with your close friends that maybe it would be a good thing for you to concentrate on yourself for a little while. Learn to be you again. You and yourself. Me, myself and I. Well, doesn’t that just have the potential to be so wonderful… and tragic all at the same time. You are allowed to miss someone, and you will probably miss them every day for quite a long time. You are allowed to crumble inside when something reminds you of them.


You need to understand that it is a part of life to fall for someone, to trust, to love and to feel. There are a limited amount of people that do and feel nothing, and that, my love, is not living. You need to feel the pain, hurt and sadness in order to cherish the love that you do receive. There is nothing wrong with trusting, there is a line – you don’t have to be careless. You would never wish for anyone to hurt you, and I would never wish the pain of heartbreak upon my worst enemy. But ultimately you have a choice of whether you want to put one foot in front of the other, and accept, build and be stronger and better than you ever were.

You need to know that it is 100% okay not to be okay. It is also okay to give up on yourself, love and everything in between for a little while – but remember that anyone willing to let someone like you out of their life is not worthy of you disappearing from yourself for forever. You owe it to yourself, to come back better than ever. Don’t let another person be your down fall – find something else, find something that someone will find cute, something that someone, one day, will think of as your best part.

Understand that you will be okay, you are stronger than you think – miss them, love them… every day if that is what means that you get up, face the world and get on with achieving your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

People always use the metaphor of taking 1 step forward and 10 steps back but how about you take 1 step forward (you fell for someone), you take 20 steps back – but guess what, you can then take 22 steps forward. I believe in you.

Maybe we could be each other’s soul mates

“Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we could be each other’s soul mates. Then we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.” Charlotte York, Sex and the City.

Lucky for me… I have my soul mate. But even better than that I am blessed enough that he will be there, for ever.

Months can go by, and a lot can change (believe me! I’m talking lovers, ex lovers, marriage, tattoos, weight, hair, and god knows what else) but there he is… My SOLE/SOUL mate.

6 years ago, god knows what month it was… I was put clubbing with a group of friends and my current boyfriend. I know exactly what I was wearing (high waisted harem black suit trousers, black Mary Jane Louboutins, low cut/low back white racer back ripped vest, and a very naughty, very see through, lace and silk bra; and of course, a chanel 2.55 – it will always be me to wear a vest that was slutty but I had picked up from a market in Vietnam, trousers from Topshop and then top the cost of my whole outfit by adding a bag and shoes!). Anyway; there I was walking along the high street of this little town that I had grown up in to go move my boyfriends car whilst he was busy buying everyone drinks… Who do I bump into? My love, my genie, Reece Morgan. Now what I haven’t mentioned is that – this club was full of nice girls dressed like hoochies! You would see a Chanel here, Kurt Geiger there, Prada there… But the main aim with these girlies was sluttiness and as you can probably tell; what I was wearing was sexy, subtle but never hoochie mumma! Maybe that’s why he chose me, only he could tell you that. The inimitable Reece. So there I am, treating the high street as a run way and I bump into an acquaintance, turns out he was heading to the same place I was drinking with his girlies. Before I knew it, 2 weeks later I was on a stone table, in a mesh body, with black lipstick, wet look black eyeshadow, slicked back jet black hair… Pouting and posing. And that was just the beginning…

Now, when I first came across Reece I just knew him to be an aspiring photographer with an amazing sense of style. It wasn’t until we had numerous Cosmos and Margaritas that I realised every element that makes him is pure fabulous. From his ever changing hair styles, ooh snap! To his huge collection of handbags from Louis Vuitton, Burberry, Chanel and Hermes. Not forgetting his irresistibly delicious personality.

Only Reece would turn up at one of my friends magazine launch parties in Mayfair and get papped on his way home, simply for looking so gorg and fabulous. As if! Crazy.

This man is there for everything whether it be a simple BBQ in the garden of my fathers ranch (me in flares and him in all black), drinks in Canary Wharf (me in 10 inch heels and him in vintage), winter cocktails in Covent Garden (me with my pink 2.55 chanel and him draping himself in fur), a burlesque show in the West End (me in all black apart from my rose gold courts and Michael Kors and him traipsing in Dior), a Cheryl Cole concert at the O2 arena (me in leather trousers and him holding a jug of Cosmo) or us trying to figure out a way to make pink fishnet mesh work in my dressing room.

But it’s not just the clothes, the memories and the designers, it’s the art – his art, my drunken ‘art’, the art of love (or trying I find it), our worshipping of art (whether it be SJP, bitching about Kim K, slamming Britney, or worshipping the queens of the red carpet and the skinny bitches behind a camera!). There is pure talent there, and not necessarily the talent that you make for yourself by having a subscription to Vogue, or trading in your mums vintage for the to-die-for-vintage, or dressing to impress… For me, he was born with it. It’s the air, the blood and all the different organs that put him together and create pure talent-full fabulousness!

Well ya know what, here’s to the men that have come and gone (and stayed!) for the both of us, the fashion faux pas (for the both of us!!) and here’s to the next 50 plus years where this (photographer, stylist, socialite, bitch, editor, realised) man will still be my soul/sole mate… Because no matter what happens I will be wearing my Louboutins as slippers and he might well be taking the trash out in his vintage Hermes.

Love you, DOLL.


‘Stuffed with Hugs and Good Wishes’

There must have been a ‘Once upon a time’ in my life where I didn’t have a problem with hugging people, there must have been a ‘Once upon a time’ where I didn’t force/make people try so hard just to get ‘in’ or that I didn’t struggle so much with letting them in… There must have been, right!?

I strongly believe that ANYONE that has met me or ‘knows’ me will tell you that I have a wall, regardless of what it is for and how it makes me look it is there. It does most of the time make me look like a cold cut off bitch. I am probably okay with that; it is better than them knowing everything about me. Mostly because, in order to know everything about me, you have to know everything about my family – and no matter what happens [no matter what they do, even if they hurt me] – I refuse to be the reason for their hatred towards me, their vengeance or their pain. I refuse. That may be a reason for the wall, who knows…

Regardless of my wall, regardless of the bad things I have done, regardless of the good things I have done, and regardless of what I have and haven’t achieved so far in life; I think that as a female, I have the want for being protected (to a certain degree) by the person I love, or by a person. As a human, there is that option of having someone just hold you… Someone you TRUST and love, hold you and make you feel ‘okay’ for a minute or two. In those moments, you forget words and their meanings and the looks in peoples eyes; you just feel… You feel the tightness and the warmth within them. But most of all, you know exactly how that embrace makes you feel. You have to go from there.

I am in the position of only trusting one person that I love. They may get distrcated from time to time. They may even really rub me the wrong way! But when they hold me… All the words they said, mean more, the looks of love and trust and beauty and peace and kindness; mean much much more to me. And them. If I don’t believe that, then I really have nothing. Nothing.

I have always never had ‘thousands’ of friends; I have never wanted many. I like the smallness of what I have got. I like that I know them, they know me, and that I can rely on them because they spent so long getting to know and learn me; for me to reply with my honesty. ‘There are *around 5* people on planet Earth that I could call at 3am in the morning and ask if they will help me bury a dead body, and they would, no questions asked.’ I like it that way.

I don’t care what people think of me, I can’t, I don’t have enough space for that. I don’t care if you think I’m heartless and cold; because the selected few, the honest few, know the truth.

There is one person, right now, asleep, somewhere in the world that I trust wholly and completely and only want to be held by. One. No one else will compare. I don’t want to be held by a liar, a psycho, or anyone in between.

If you know me, you know I’m stubborn.

I will only be held, by you.

A Peace of Mind…

A lesson in life will always be experiencing death. Whether you avoid it for a while, experience it traumatically as a child or hear and feel it all the time, a lot of the time.

I am about to lose something from my life, through death, it has been a long time coming; regardless of what type of creature is dying, how old, the sex or relation. I am not scared of death, I am scared of how used to death I am. I could count so many experiences for you to appreciate that I know what I am talking about, but I won’t because the creatures that have died, deserve more to be put into a list for you to gain understanding. Before you misunderstand me, both my parents are alive. I haven’t lost a sibling, although it has come very close to it a few times.

I realized, only a few moments ago, that I am not scared; I can predict how I will feel when death happens, as it comes at many levels. I am able to help people around me when death faces them, although as the years go on, I am becoming less and less sympathetic. Although [check previous blog] MY biggest fear is the death of my mother.

I have a very, very close friend, who has just experienced death for the first time at the age of 24. I consider her lucky some days, and others, I consider myself a little lucky because now I am not scared of death. Where as my friend, doesn’t know or understand the different emotional stages she is going through, let alone how a funeral works. She constantly doubts herself and feels like a fool for the way she is feeling, it’s a shame because she will be stronger in the end. I know it. I promised her, she will, and I will help her get there.

If something good has to come out of all that I have experienced, it is that I can use it to help bring my friends, family and even strangers; out the other side and have greater understanding.

All anyone needs to know is that it is, at the end of each day, OK not to be OK.

Fear is the ENEMY.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and I realised that MY greatest fear, the thing that scares me way more than spiders or falling or anything like that; a fear that actually brings me anxiety to think about it. Yet, the fear I have is part of life, it is something that will, has or about to happen to everybody, we all have to experience it, as human beings. The interesting thing is that, there are people out there (individuals or siblings) that don’t feel a thing when it happens because of their circumstances, because of their life style, because of their up bringing, or simply because they totally take in and appreciate that it is something that has to happen.

For some extremely unlucky people, it happens far too soon in life or their life doesn’t reach that point, or it happens in the most drawn out painful way – those people, if you are reading, I don’t know how you have a life, I don’t know how you breath, or have a routine, or carry on living. I know how to do it, because I am doing it now; but once the scariest thing happens, I have no idea how I’m going to be able to do the simple things, the big things, or the necessary things. But then, for the people it has happened to in the ‘unlucky way’, are you stronger? are you a better person because of it? And, does it get better with time.

Although I have experienced a different version of what my fear is, actually, I have experienced it in many different forms and versions, but never (not yet) have I been through and been faced with my biggest fear. But because I have that experience, before it happens, even though it is different, I still don’t think that helps me to face it. I  don’t think it changes anything when I am actually there in that moment. For example, a woman can prepare and prepare for child birth; she can read, she can go to classes, she can watch videos, she can talk about it with other mothers, she can even think of her most physically painful time (maybe even recreate it) but nothing will prepare her for what child birth truthfully is. She would have disregarded everything she did to prepare, ask any mother, whether they were the type who prepared a lot or a little – it’s child birth at the end of the day.

It’s funny that I chose child birth as my example! You will read why in a minute!

At the end of the day, no matter whether we are rich or poor, healthy, happy, a failure, successful – all of it, once you are dying or dead… what? Whether you are Kim Kardashian (extremely famous) Barack Obama (changing America) Jamie Oliver (good at making food) Joe Smith (a nobody) – we all die, and everything from materials to love/hate, means nothing by the end. What does matter, is the people you are leaving behind, the people you influenced, the people who do love you, and even the people who hate you!

In ‘Desperate Housewives’ at the moment, the character ‘Bree Van de Kamp’ (played by Marcia Cross) was about to commit suicide before she was founded out by an acquaintance who turns out to be a friend. At the end of the episode, Bree and her friend (played by ex-Ugly Betty star) are sitting in a church [at Bree’s ex boyfriend’s funeral] and Bree discovers that her friend’s mother killed herself leaving a very young girl behind to deal with it. And in that moment Bree realises that when she lost her friend a few years ago, to suicide, that it hurt her a lot, and she saw the pain that it caused the people around her… Sometimes, that is the only thing stopping people from leaving, giving up and dying. Sometimes, even those people just aren’t enough. 

I don’t think it matters how my fear happens, it is just more that it has happened and that I will have to face it. I will have to face it.

I’m not religious, in any way, but I do pray to God that I am strong enough when it happens, I pray to God that I am strong enough for the people around me without losing myself. I pray to God it doesn’t happen for a very long time. I pray to God. Please.

My biggest fear… is existing on Earth… without my Mum. My biggest fear… is my Mum dying. My biggest fear… is living… without my Mum. Yet, it will have to happen one day.

On this website, and on this blog, I publish every comment that is made, whether it is good or bad, happy or sad, or even if it has nothing to do with the blog written. But please, do not abuse this and judge people, especially when you don’t know them. People portray things differently and see things differently. No Judgement. Thank you Xo