Sex and the City

Break up confusion: part 100,000,001 of 100,000,000

I fell in love, and I fell in love hard. But it left me crying my eyes out, 2 stone heavier and on a plane to Hamburg with my best friends.

I was never the girl to confess my love to anyone – ‘I love you, I love you’. But with him, it kept exploding out of me… I could never keep it in, I wanted him to know. I knew he wasn’t in love with me, but I was okay with that because the affection, attention and time that we had together filled me up in so many ways. I had never felt that before.

He asked me at the beginning to be ‘open’ to us. Even though he had already backed out once. There was something about him that made me trust him. That made me jump in head first – give my time and attention to, 100%.

Even he can tell you that I always had a tiny bit of fear that he would just text me one day and be done… Saying the same things he said 5 days after we first slept together. But he always reassured me that if it was ever going to happen, I would know, and it wouldn’t be over text. However this is where the line gets blurry because I guess it did happen on just ‘one day’ and I guess it did just happen over text. He broke my heart, because I was madly in love.

I always dreamt of the relationship that we had. Him driving. Us sleeping together almost every night. Him helping me to sleep. Us both being a part of each other’s lives. Being called his girlfriend made me the happiest I had been in such a long time.

With the rise, comes the fall.

Anyone who knows me knows that I believe in butterflies, and that you should never settle for anything less. Well I am saying now, that everyday and every second with him was butterflies. Even the bits I didn’t like, the butterflies pushed me through to the other side. Love.

The butterflies, unfortunately are still very much there. I’m not sure they will ever go away… But they will also remind me to be so much more careful in the future, despite the fact that I do not regret meeting him, loving him, even still.


Break up confusion: part 36,762 of 100,000,000


I am waking up every day, and the reason I am quiet is because I wake up with so much anxiety that it takes me a whole day to work my confidence back up and feel ok with our relationship. I am so invested in our relationship that the bickering is making me feel so low. I am not made for a relationship like what we have right now. I am used to having a relationship that gives me the safe haven that I need to deal with everything else. It upsets me so much every time we fight, bicker and argue because we are in such a beautiful place and we aren’t making amazing memories. Today is one of the first days where for the majority of it I felt better and happy with our relationship but it changed so quickly and another night/day has been ruined. I am so sorry for everything that I have done that has displeased you, annoyed or frustrated you. I have felt a little alone since we have been here, and maybe my wanting for my friends and family is coming across badly. I have never wanted to make you feel badly and have never wanted to be like this with you. As I said a few weeks before we came away – the happiest I have been, is with you. I am extremely sad that that has changed and you are not happy. So sorry. The way that this holiday has turned out has given me so much disappointment, sadness and anxiety – I wish I could take it back.

Break up confusion: part -7645 of 100,000,000

Walking around Hamburg, Germany… 3 days after:


Obviously with being away, I’ve had time to get space and think. I feel as though you just gave up, it was a couple of weeks of bad stuff compared to months of laughing and smiling. I’ve listened and understood when you said you don’t want a relationship and all of the stuff that comes with it – but do you not think after however many months it’s been, our relationship deserves more than you just giving up?!

Break up confusion: part 55,555 of 100,000,000

Trying to get over this person is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I am not forgetting that my mum walked out on my siblings and I. I am not forgetting I have mourned the death of all of my grandparents, two aunts, a friend, my first pet, family animals. I am not forgetting that my dad could be taken away from us. I am not forgetting my ex boyfriend of over 5 years.

And I simply think the reason is because of all of those things weren’t anything personal towards me. In fact, none of them were about me. They weren’t about things that I had done, who I am, who I wasn’t… They weren’t done for revenge or because I deserve it. They have all happened because that is simply how the world works. Mysterious.

However when it comes to this man, it is personal… He can say that he is who is and that he doesn’t want to change and that he is a selfish person and he doesn’t mind that about himself. But I never asked him to change. I fell in love with him because of who he is, because I see him for him. That hurts. I want to see it differently but the only thing I see is that I simply was not enough.


You made a decision, about me. About me and you – in ten minutes. You let me go. You let me walk out of that door. Did you expect me to fight you? Convince you? You didn’t want us anymore. But after everything I gave, after everything that I believed in – you were done.

And there is such a huge part of me that knew you would do it. I told you, my greatest fear when we were us, was that you would simply wake up, or turn around and be done. Not want or need or desire me – that everything that I was and am, was simply not enough. No matter what I did, no matter how much of myself that I showed you, gave you – it was never going to be enough, was it?

You knew. Yet, when you caught my eyes and looked at me, saw my smile and noticed the colour of my eyes… you wanted to do it anyway. You wanted me to be yours, you couldn’t just leave it alone. I will take responsibility – oh boy, will I. I stopped looking, I stopped being bothered by having a special someone. But you flirted your way in. I don’t care if you ever look at me again and say that it wasn’t what you were doing, you know yourself well enough to admit that you are ‘selfish’. Well, my love, you know yourself well enough to know that you should never have let it get that far.

I fell in love with you.

I want to hate you now, I want to be mad at you. But I simply miss you, everything. The way you woke me up, the way you helped me to sleep. To even carry on with the list of all the wonderful things that you did and were hurts me. You hurt me. You hurt me for every day that goes past since you finished with me, since you made a decision for us. Did you think of me? No. Because you are selfish. I already know this.

I hope you find someone that does fill all those gaps in your soul, but if I am being honest with myself and you – that person doesn’t exist. She may do for a few years, she may be there for a while – you may even commit to marrying her, having babies with her. But you, the gentleman that is you, you will always end up in one place. Doing your laundry, watching your favourite TV shows whilst you wait. Texting whoever you want.

Nothing in life is easy, but I was one of the best things that you ever had. Sometimes I believe that you knew that (and that’s what scared you) yet – it is still simply not good enough. You had me, every single part of me. I am not perfect. But I was so perfect for you.

My dreams, can be dreamt differently, now that you are gone – I know that… but, did you know how beautiful they were?

I know you are happy. I know you are okay. I know you are unaffected.

Well, fuck you. Because I am not okay, and I am not unaffected. You hurt me.

Break up confusion: part -9999999 of 100,000,000

Me, myself and I.

Eventually you reach a point of realising that the person has gone. That soon enough the care and concern will go. You will both get on with your lives, or at least one of you will. You have done everything that you know used to or sometimes makes you happy, even just for a second. Movies, eating, drinking, shopping, being with friends and family. A new hair do. But at the end of the day you want to get back to the person that used to be able to sleep at night, the person that dances in the shower and all around the house (naked). You need to and want to get back to being the person that your other half fell for. You are learning to let go of a lot of things, but you will potentially bump into a person that smells very similar to your other half. Or a movie will come out that you both had been waiting to see. You only had plans to see it together – and as much as you now get to see it with your best friend albeit not alone… it just isn’t the same. You have reached the point where you feel bad for your friends having to listen to you. Like the scene in Sex and the City where the girls tell Carrie to go to therapy because she talks about her break up with Big non stop. As much as a lot of moving in is being with someone else, you aren’t ready and you have agreed with your close friends that maybe it would be a good thing for you to concentrate on yourself for a little while. Learn to be you again. You and yourself. Me, myself and I. Well, doesn’t that just have the potential to be so wonderful… and tragic all at the same time. You are allowed to miss someone, and you will probably miss them every day for quite a long time. You are allowed to crumble inside when something reminds you of them.


You need to understand that it is a part of life to fall for someone, to trust, to love and to feel. There are a limited amount of people that do and feel nothing, and that, my love, is not living. You need to feel the pain, hurt and sadness in order to cherish the love that you do receive. There is nothing wrong with trusting, there is a line – you don’t have to be careless. You would never wish for anyone to hurt you, and I would never wish the pain of heartbreak upon my worst enemy. But ultimately you have a choice of whether you want to put one foot in front of the other, and accept, build and be stronger and better than you ever were.

You need to know that it is 100% okay not to be okay. It is also okay to give up on yourself, love and everything in between for a little while – but remember that anyone willing to let someone like you out of their life is not worthy of you disappearing from yourself for forever. You owe it to yourself, to come back better than ever. Don’t let another person be your down fall – find something else, find something that someone will find cute, something that someone, one day, will think of as your best part.

Understand that you will be okay, you are stronger than you think – miss them, love them… every day if that is what means that you get up, face the world and get on with achieving your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

People always use the metaphor of taking 1 step forward and 10 steps back but how about you take 1 step forward (you fell for someone), you take 20 steps back – but guess what, you can then take 22 steps forward. I believe in you.

Maybe we could be each other’s soul mates

“Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we could be each other’s soul mates. Then we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.” Charlotte York, Sex and the City.

Lucky for me… I have my soul mate. But even better than that I am blessed enough that he will be there, for ever.

Months can go by, and a lot can change (believe me! I’m talking lovers, ex lovers, marriage, tattoos, weight, hair, and god knows what else) but there he is… My SOLE/SOUL mate.

6 years ago, god knows what month it was… I was put clubbing with a group of friends and my current boyfriend. I know exactly what I was wearing (high waisted harem black suit trousers, black Mary Jane Louboutins, low cut/low back white racer back ripped vest, and a very naughty, very see through, lace and silk bra; and of course, a chanel 2.55 – it will always be me to wear a vest that was slutty but I had picked up from a market in Vietnam, trousers from Topshop and then top the cost of my whole outfit by adding a bag and shoes!). Anyway; there I was walking along the high street of this little town that I had grown up in to go move my boyfriends car whilst he was busy buying everyone drinks… Who do I bump into? My love, my genie, Reece Morgan. Now what I haven’t mentioned is that – this club was full of nice girls dressed like hoochies! You would see a Chanel here, Kurt Geiger there, Prada there… But the main aim with these girlies was sluttiness and as you can probably tell; what I was wearing was sexy, subtle but never hoochie mumma! Maybe that’s why he chose me, only he could tell you that. The inimitable Reece. So there I am, treating the high street as a run way and I bump into an acquaintance, turns out he was heading to the same place I was drinking with his girlies. Before I knew it, 2 weeks later I was on a stone table, in a mesh body, with black lipstick, wet look black eyeshadow, slicked back jet black hair… Pouting and posing. And that was just the beginning…

Now, when I first came across Reece I just knew him to be an aspiring photographer with an amazing sense of style. It wasn’t until we had numerous Cosmos and Margaritas that I realised every element that makes him is pure fabulous. From his ever changing hair styles, ooh snap! To his huge collection of handbags from Louis Vuitton, Burberry, Chanel and Hermes. Not forgetting his irresistibly delicious personality.

Only Reece would turn up at one of my friends magazine launch parties in Mayfair and get papped on his way home, simply for looking so gorg and fabulous. As if! Crazy.

This man is there for everything whether it be a simple BBQ in the garden of my fathers ranch (me in flares and him in all black), drinks in Canary Wharf (me in 10 inch heels and him in vintage), winter cocktails in Covent Garden (me with my pink 2.55 chanel and him draping himself in fur), a burlesque show in the West End (me in all black apart from my rose gold courts and Michael Kors and him traipsing in Dior), a Cheryl Cole concert at the O2 arena (me in leather trousers and him holding a jug of Cosmo) or us trying to figure out a way to make pink fishnet mesh work in my dressing room.

But it’s not just the clothes, the memories and the designers, it’s the art – his art, my drunken ‘art’, the art of love (or trying I find it), our worshipping of art (whether it be SJP, bitching about Kim K, slamming Britney, or worshipping the queens of the red carpet and the skinny bitches behind a camera!). There is pure talent there, and not necessarily the talent that you make for yourself by having a subscription to Vogue, or trading in your mums vintage for the to-die-for-vintage, or dressing to impress… For me, he was born with it. It’s the air, the blood and all the different organs that put him together and create pure talent-full fabulousness!

Well ya know what, here’s to the men that have come and gone (and stayed!) for the both of us, the fashion faux pas (for the both of us!!) and here’s to the next 50 plus years where this (photographer, stylist, socialite, bitch, editor, realised) man will still be my soul/sole mate… Because no matter what happens I will be wearing my Louboutins as slippers and he might well be taking the trash out in his vintage Hermes.

Love you, DOLL.


the innocent cupcake_

What a spectacular bonding activity making cupcakes can be. There is nothing like it when the intoxicating aroma seeps up your nostrils when liquid conjoins with sugar and flour to create sponge. Baking cupcakes can be strangely relaxing, and it gives the baker time to chat, drink, do other chores, or prepare the next batch and of course plan the decorative line of attack. Having flour to sift, flavours to drizzle and vanilla syrup to stir provides the diversion that mixing a martini once did.


The cupcake acquired its name in the 19th century when a revolutionary new way of measuring ingredients (by cup) rather than the more complicated way of weight was introduced to American cookbooks. Then before you knew it, Carrie Bradshaw was sitting on a New York bench outside the Magnolia Bakery with her stick thin legs on show, eating a cupcake…

Then came the cupcake shops, companies, in-house brands, the TV shows and celebrity weddings. Now with over 44,000,000 cupcakes consumed in the UK last year which translates as £23.5m worth of cupcakes, 400 books about cupcakes on Amazon and a 54 per cent surge in baking businesses, the cup cake has well and truly arrived.

Georgi Gyton, associate editor of the British Baker Magazine (the creators of National Cupcake Week) put the cupcake’s enduring popularity down to its versatility. “One of the main reasons that cupcakes have become so popular across the nation is due to the sheer variety of options when it comes to cupcake flavours, and the high quality and creativity seen in the decoration of them,” she claims “it can’t be denied that cupcakes look great, and are enticing to eat.

As Nigella Lawson says, baking cupcakes is “the opposite to cooking, because unlike a steak, you get the fantasy of transformation”. She goes on: “You put this goo in the oven and it comes out a cake. And it is much easier than whipping up an ‘artless’ feast. Who cares if the baking ingredients aren’t exactly the right temperature and the cakes come out a bit heavy? No one really notices.”

Having your own signature style of cupcake in today’s cupcake market is crucial, with so many different flavours and sizes and toppings being accessible pretty much anywhere from Starbucks, Selfridges and Tesco, to attract the more attention you need to bring in something the crowd have never tasted before.

Lorraine Miller, who owns Marigold Cupcakes in Surrey, based her cupcake recipes on famous women such as Kylie Minogue, Katy Perry, and Elizabeth Taylor. Everything from the title of the cake, to the amounts of glitter, sweets, cream and decorations used ooze the obvious qualities of the female figure. But Miller explains that it’s not the name of her cupcakes that make then so popular. “They are fun, colourful and small”.

Unfortunately for those on a diet, or those who simply can’t justify eating 500 calories (give or take a few) in one gulp the cupcake is growing more and more accessible. Miller adds that cupcakes “aren’t something you buy one day and chuck away the next, they keep well for 3 days”.

It could be argued that the cupcake has become a weird sort of talisman of a certain kind of happiness.

Owning a cupcake company or shop such as Marigold Cupcakes is the career fantasy of the 21st century, and a profitable one at that.

Gyton says: “Cupcakes are relatively easy to make at home, which is why there are so many home-based cupcake businesses springing up across the UK all the time.”

Cupcakes are fast becoming the treat of choice at events from birthday parties, weddings, a baby and bridal showers to conferences,

Mattias Kiehm, general manager of catering at Harrods, said: “Cupcakes have replaced chocolates and flowers as a gifting idea. It is the corporate world and fashion elite who buy them, as much as the yummy mummies”.

Gyton agrees: “Cupcakes are suitable for a wide range of events, from birthdays, to weddings and corporate get-togethers because they are very versatile.” Is the trend here for good? “They can be customised in any way and made in a variety of sizes, so are perfect for so many occasions.”

By the looks of things the trend will keep growing.

“I think with any trend, the interest in cupcakes will probably reach a peak, but it’s certainly not showing any signs of declining at the moment,” says Gyton, adding: “Sales are on the up, year-on-year, and in terms of the interest in National Cupcake Week and our National Cupcake Championships, we’ve seen more and more people getting involved every year.”

Miller also points out that cupcakes are environmentally friendly, in that there are normally no left-overs. “The craze will last for the foreseeable future, they will carry on for a while yet. And there’s no waste, which is so important to everyone nowadays.”

Has the flurry of TV shows such as the television series 2 Broke Girls and Sex and the City along with the tonnes of books and live cooking competitions, simple shown that it isn’t difficult and it can be relaxing, which forces brands like Betty Crocker to maybe have limited days. The trick? Lorraine believes that your cupcakes need “to look good, be original and most of all, fresh” to gain success.

So what is it exactly? The relaxation? The decoration? The ease? The small taste of things ‘you shouldn’t be eating’? But, with all the trends coming, going and staying in Britain and all over the world… Botox, at home hair dying kits, music and films free online, the cupcakes craze is one where you can make it at home, buy them anywhere and you get a treat at the end (if they don’t come out of the oven burnt!).

It’s a dollop of sugar and carbs lurking beneath a veil of pastel-coloured icing. Even cupcakes can be made gluten free by changing the flour. But the butter, the calories? These moist, bready delights each have a devote burst of individuality. One day you’ll be invited to mouth water over choices like Salmon and Cream Cheese and then it’s all about Bacon and Egg following in the footsteps of Heston Blumenthal.

The fifth annual National Cupcake Week will take place from 16-22 September 2013.


Gladys’ Girl; Norma Jeane

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe’s death, made her the glorified and iconic woman she is today. There are many people who believe she was murdered, as there are many people who believe it was suicide, and there were many people who believe it was a very fatal accident…

Born Norma Jeane Mortensen on the First of June 1926 (making her a Gemini), she was and always will be a Los Angeles, California gal.

Through working in an office, you find things to entertain yourself, especially as I find that I am, in fact, not, a stereotype and need to entertain and create laughter. Therefore we share funny facts, strange sexual jokes, and frustration at the working situation. I came across the ‘fact’ that Marilyn Monroe… had 6 toes on one foot.

Although I am, yes, a Media Studies student and I have done intense research and studies into theories, especially The Beauty Myth, I was left shattered… but shattered, as an 18-year-old girl who looked up to a Hollywood Icon, and although yes, as ‘My Week With Marilyn’ portrays she may not have been perfect mentally; she sure as hell led me to believe she was perfect physically. Over the years I have come to learn things such as; she always wore a bra in bed as they left her looking her best, and without it she felt she looked unflattering; hence why Sarah Jessica Parker always wore bra’s during Sex and the City as Carrie Bradshaw. But this ‘fact’ left me purplexed, unbelieving and with a need to re-justify my love for Marilyn.

She died just two months and 3 days after her birthday. At the ripe age of 36. She has been laid to rest at Westwood Memorial Cemetery in California…

Studio’s claim that her measurements were 37-23-36 inches although her dressmaker claims 35-22-35 inches; what does that say to you about the industry? [What us clever and logical ones already knew!]

Many of these facts I did already know; for example, she was naturally brown haired (but, of course, we all do this and that to our hair, that doesn’t make her different). Marilyn had blue eyes, also the same height at me at 5 feet and 5 and a half inches. It is also claimed she weighed around 118 pounds (which, nowadays would leave her with a Body Mass Index of 19.3, the low end of ‘normal – whatever that is!). Marilyn’s dress size is 12, trousers is 8, shoe size (again the same as me) european 39 [uk6]. Here we go gents…. Bra size: 36 D. Bigger than Miss Katie Price aka Jordan!

Number of toes – 10. (There is a false rumor that she had 6
toes on each foot, but baby pictures show otherwise, and
people who knew her intimately say that she was perfect
in all her measurements and dimensions.)

Social Security Number: 563-32-0764. Phone Numbers at 5th Helena Home: 476-1890 and 472-4830.

So, is she still your (or one of) your icons? Because she certainly is still one of mine!

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”