Suicide

Fear is the ENEMY.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and I realised that MY greatest fear, the thing that scares me way more than spiders or falling or anything like that; a fear that actually brings me anxiety to think about it. Yet, the fear I have is part of life, it is something that will, has or about to happen to everybody, we all have to experience it, as human beings. The interesting thing is that, there are people out there (individuals or siblings) that don’t feel a thing when it happens because of their circumstances, because of their life style, because of their up bringing, or simply because they totally take in and appreciate that it is something that has to happen.

For some extremely unlucky people, it happens far too soon in life or their life doesn’t reach that point, or it happens in the most drawn out painful way – those people, if you are reading, I don’t know how you have a life, I don’t know how you breath, or have a routine, or carry on living. I know how to do it, because I am doing it now; but once the scariest thing happens, I have no idea how I’m going to be able to do the simple things, the big things, or the necessary things. But then, for the people it has happened to in the ‘unlucky way’, are you stronger? are you a better person because of it? And, does it get better with time.

Although I have experienced a different version of what my fear is, actually, I have experienced it in many different forms and versions, but never (not yet) have I been through and been faced with my biggest fear. But because I have that experience, before it happens, even though it is different, I still don’t think that helps me to face it. I  don’t think it changes anything when I am actually there in that moment. For example, a woman can prepare and prepare for child birth; she can read, she can go to classes, she can watch videos, she can talk about it with other mothers, she can even think of her most physically painful time (maybe even recreate it) but nothing will prepare her for what child birth truthfully is. She would have disregarded everything she did to prepare, ask any mother, whether they were the type who prepared a lot or a little – it’s child birth at the end of the day.

It’s funny that I chose child birth as my example! You will read why in a minute!

At the end of the day, no matter whether we are rich or poor, healthy, happy, a failure, successful – all of it, once you are dying or dead… what? Whether you are Kim Kardashian (extremely famous) Barack Obama (changing America) Jamie Oliver (good at making food) Joe Smith (a nobody) – we all die, and everything from materials to love/hate, means nothing by the end. What does matter, is the people you are leaving behind, the people you influenced, the people who do love you, and even the people who hate you!

In ‘Desperate Housewives’ at the moment, the character ‘Bree Van de Kamp’ (played by Marcia Cross) was about to commit suicide before she was founded out by an acquaintance who turns out to be a friend. At the end of the episode, Bree and her friend (played by ex-Ugly Betty star) are sitting in a church [at Bree’s ex boyfriend’s funeral] and Bree discovers that her friend’s mother killed herself leaving a very young girl behind to deal with it. And in that moment Bree realises that when she lost her friend a few years ago, to suicide, that it hurt her a lot, and she saw the pain that it caused the people around her… Sometimes, that is the only thing stopping people from leaving, giving up and dying. Sometimes, even those people just aren’t enough. 

I don’t think it matters how my fear happens, it is just more that it has happened and that I will have to face it. I will have to face it.

I’m not religious, in any way, but I do pray to God that I am strong enough when it happens, I pray to God that I am strong enough for the people around me without losing myself. I pray to God it doesn’t happen for a very long time. I pray to God. Please.

My biggest fear… is existing on Earth… without my Mum. My biggest fear… is my Mum dying. My biggest fear… is living… without my Mum. Yet, it will have to happen one day.

On this website, and on this blog, I publish every comment that is made, whether it is good or bad, happy or sad, or even if it has nothing to do with the blog written. But please, do not abuse this and judge people, especially when you don’t know them. People portray things differently and see things differently. No Judgement. Thank you Xo

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