Ugly Betty

Break up confusion: part 1000 of 100,000,000

Putting things back how they used to be. Or not.

You will never normally intentionally change things about yourself in a relationship, some things you will. But when you break up, some of those qualities will have to go, just in order for you to cope with being a single you again. But also – whether the relationship was good or bad – you have to take some treasures and good qualities with you.

397039_10150538064873676_1388316972_n For example – I have learnt to not wear make up. Now, for some this is a little thing and you won’t relate or understand. But for years my previous boyfriend (who I was with for over 5 years) told me I was beautiful with and without make up on. He never wanted me to wear as much make up as I did. I never needed it, and I knew all along that I didn’t need it – but I still wore it. Anyway – it took one person, and just him, for some reason, to change how I felt about it. It could have been the way he first said it, the way he looked at me, the fact that he never stopped telling me. But here I am now, I rarely wear make up.

photo 1 When we were mad for each other, and I wanted him to know I would say ‘thank you’. He gave me the confidence, somehow, to be this person. To have the confidence to have a bare face.

photo 2 Here I am, he gave me, taught me – something. And no matter if I wake up one day mad at him for not being mine, or if I stay in this place of just missing him… I would be lying if I said I didn’t learn or gain anything from my relationship with him.

photo 3 For different people it could be ‘x’ ‘y’ or ‘z’ – but for me, I am grateful and very blessed to have had that person in my life.

photo 4 It is important to remember the good, and everything you did and gained from being together – but it is also okay to put things about yourself back to how they used to be. Not that your other half told you to not be that way, or stopped you from having those qualities, maybe they just weren’t necessary when you were part of a relationship.

photo 5– don’t second guess everything.

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Maybe we could be each other’s soul mates

“Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we could be each other’s soul mates. Then we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.” Charlotte York, Sex and the City.

Lucky for me… I have my soul mate. But even better than that I am blessed enough that he will be there, for ever.

Months can go by, and a lot can change (believe me! I’m talking lovers, ex lovers, marriage, tattoos, weight, hair, and god knows what else) but there he is… My SOLE/SOUL mate.

6 years ago, god knows what month it was… I was put clubbing with a group of friends and my current boyfriend. I know exactly what I was wearing (high waisted harem black suit trousers, black Mary Jane Louboutins, low cut/low back white racer back ripped vest, and a very naughty, very see through, lace and silk bra; and of course, a chanel 2.55 – it will always be me to wear a vest that was slutty but I had picked up from a market in Vietnam, trousers from Topshop and then top the cost of my whole outfit by adding a bag and shoes!). Anyway; there I was walking along the high street of this little town that I had grown up in to go move my boyfriends car whilst he was busy buying everyone drinks… Who do I bump into? My love, my genie, Reece Morgan. Now what I haven’t mentioned is that – this club was full of nice girls dressed like hoochies! You would see a Chanel here, Kurt Geiger there, Prada there… But the main aim with these girlies was sluttiness and as you can probably tell; what I was wearing was sexy, subtle but never hoochie mumma! Maybe that’s why he chose me, only he could tell you that. The inimitable Reece. So there I am, treating the high street as a run way and I bump into an acquaintance, turns out he was heading to the same place I was drinking with his girlies. Before I knew it, 2 weeks later I was on a stone table, in a mesh body, with black lipstick, wet look black eyeshadow, slicked back jet black hair… Pouting and posing. And that was just the beginning…

Now, when I first came across Reece I just knew him to be an aspiring photographer with an amazing sense of style. It wasn’t until we had numerous Cosmos and Margaritas that I realised every element that makes him is pure fabulous. From his ever changing hair styles, ooh snap! To his huge collection of handbags from Louis Vuitton, Burberry, Chanel and Hermes. Not forgetting his irresistibly delicious personality.

Only Reece would turn up at one of my friends magazine launch parties in Mayfair and get papped on his way home, simply for looking so gorg and fabulous. As if! Crazy.

This man is there for everything whether it be a simple BBQ in the garden of my fathers ranch (me in flares and him in all black), drinks in Canary Wharf (me in 10 inch heels and him in vintage), winter cocktails in Covent Garden (me with my pink 2.55 chanel and him draping himself in fur), a burlesque show in the West End (me in all black apart from my rose gold courts and Michael Kors and him traipsing in Dior), a Cheryl Cole concert at the O2 arena (me in leather trousers and him holding a jug of Cosmo) or us trying to figure out a way to make pink fishnet mesh work in my dressing room.

But it’s not just the clothes, the memories and the designers, it’s the art – his art, my drunken ‘art’, the art of love (or trying I find it), our worshipping of art (whether it be SJP, bitching about Kim K, slamming Britney, or worshipping the queens of the red carpet and the skinny bitches behind a camera!). There is pure talent there, and not necessarily the talent that you make for yourself by having a subscription to Vogue, or trading in your mums vintage for the to-die-for-vintage, or dressing to impress… For me, he was born with it. It’s the air, the blood and all the different organs that put him together and create pure talent-full fabulousness!

Well ya know what, here’s to the men that have come and gone (and stayed!) for the both of us, the fashion faux pas (for the both of us!!) and here’s to the next 50 plus years where this (photographer, stylist, socialite, bitch, editor, realised) man will still be my soul/sole mate… Because no matter what happens I will be wearing my Louboutins as slippers and he might well be taking the trash out in his vintage Hermes.

Love you, DOLL.

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Fear is the ENEMY.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and I realised that MY greatest fear, the thing that scares me way more than spiders or falling or anything like that; a fear that actually brings me anxiety to think about it. Yet, the fear I have is part of life, it is something that will, has or about to happen to everybody, we all have to experience it, as human beings. The interesting thing is that, there are people out there (individuals or siblings) that don’t feel a thing when it happens because of their circumstances, because of their life style, because of their up bringing, or simply because they totally take in and appreciate that it is something that has to happen.

For some extremely unlucky people, it happens far too soon in life or their life doesn’t reach that point, or it happens in the most drawn out painful way – those people, if you are reading, I don’t know how you have a life, I don’t know how you breath, or have a routine, or carry on living. I know how to do it, because I am doing it now; but once the scariest thing happens, I have no idea how I’m going to be able to do the simple things, the big things, or the necessary things. But then, for the people it has happened to in the ‘unlucky way’, are you stronger? are you a better person because of it? And, does it get better with time.

Although I have experienced a different version of what my fear is, actually, I have experienced it in many different forms and versions, but never (not yet) have I been through and been faced with my biggest fear. But because I have that experience, before it happens, even though it is different, I still don’t think that helps me to face it. I  don’t think it changes anything when I am actually there in that moment. For example, a woman can prepare and prepare for child birth; she can read, she can go to classes, she can watch videos, she can talk about it with other mothers, she can even think of her most physically painful time (maybe even recreate it) but nothing will prepare her for what child birth truthfully is. She would have disregarded everything she did to prepare, ask any mother, whether they were the type who prepared a lot or a little – it’s child birth at the end of the day.

It’s funny that I chose child birth as my example! You will read why in a minute!

At the end of the day, no matter whether we are rich or poor, healthy, happy, a failure, successful – all of it, once you are dying or dead… what? Whether you are Kim Kardashian (extremely famous) Barack Obama (changing America) Jamie Oliver (good at making food) Joe Smith (a nobody) – we all die, and everything from materials to love/hate, means nothing by the end. What does matter, is the people you are leaving behind, the people you influenced, the people who do love you, and even the people who hate you!

In ‘Desperate Housewives’ at the moment, the character ‘Bree Van de Kamp’ (played by Marcia Cross) was about to commit suicide before she was founded out by an acquaintance who turns out to be a friend. At the end of the episode, Bree and her friend (played by ex-Ugly Betty star) are sitting in a church [at Bree’s ex boyfriend’s funeral] and Bree discovers that her friend’s mother killed herself leaving a very young girl behind to deal with it. And in that moment Bree realises that when she lost her friend a few years ago, to suicide, that it hurt her a lot, and she saw the pain that it caused the people around her… Sometimes, that is the only thing stopping people from leaving, giving up and dying. Sometimes, even those people just aren’t enough. 

I don’t think it matters how my fear happens, it is just more that it has happened and that I will have to face it. I will have to face it.

I’m not religious, in any way, but I do pray to God that I am strong enough when it happens, I pray to God that I am strong enough for the people around me without losing myself. I pray to God it doesn’t happen for a very long time. I pray to God. Please.

My biggest fear… is existing on Earth… without my Mum. My biggest fear… is my Mum dying. My biggest fear… is living… without my Mum. Yet, it will have to happen one day.

On this website, and on this blog, I publish every comment that is made, whether it is good or bad, happy or sad, or even if it has nothing to do with the blog written. But please, do not abuse this and judge people, especially when you don’t know them. People portray things differently and see things differently. No Judgement. Thank you Xo