bad dreams

Thank you, you messed up my dreams.

One night last week I found myself looking up what female targeted publications like Elle had written about abortions. I was surprised to find quite a few articles as there seems to be a very driven campaign in regards to womens rights to abortions.

abortion
I didn’t have it within me to read them exactly then but left them open in my browser for when I was ready, or had the time to read the articles with the understanding that I wanted, and feel that the subject deserves.
It wasn’t until I had a very traumatic nights sleep in which I dreamt that I had gone ahead and had my baby with my ex. She, Lavender, our little girl was at least a year old in the dream and for some reason was looked after solely by her father. I was only allowed to see her at his pub, although it wasn’t the pub he has in ‘real life’. Lavender was always very happy to see me, despite her Dad always being reluctant to let me see her when I was just passing by the pub. She was beautiful.
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I woke up very confused, checking my tummy and around my bedroom for evidence of her existence. But nothing. ‘What name is Lavender?’ I don’t think I even like that name. ‘Why did he have her?’ He doesn’t want her, or any baby – no way is he a fit parent. ‘Yet she’s so happy, and so so beautiful’.
Later that day I called my Bikram Yoga studio to buy a new course and the gentleman whom I am very friendly with told me the conditions of leaving the 12 month course, one of them being that if I become pregnant. I found myself listening to him mention over and over in different sentences how ‘we wouldn’t want that to happen’, ‘you have your sisters wedding’, ‘well I guess maybe after’. At his first remark I joked, ‘no that won’t be happening’ but he went on further with a good few remarks. Am I missing something?
What if I had carried through with my pregnancy, would someone like him have judged me? Thought of me differently. I am not hurt, or ashamed… just very confused.
I have read the articles. I have read up on Emily Letts and watched her Youtube film. I have ordered Katha Pollitt’s book. But something I find as a recurring notion is that we shouldn’t feel guilty… but I do. I feel guilty, and I feel ok with that guilt. I feel a huge sense of loss, even after almost 2 months. I will catch myself in moments thinking ‘I would have been this many months’, ‘my bump would’ve been this big’, or ‘would I be here, now, with you if I were pregnant?’.
It’s a strange experience and milestone for anyone, yet so different at the same time.
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