One night last week I found myself looking up what female targeted publications like Elle had written about abortions. I was surprised to find quite a few articles as there seems to be a very driven campaign in regards to womens rights to abortions.
I fell in love, and I fell in love hard. But it left me crying my eyes out, 2 stone heavier and on a plane to Hamburg with my best friends.
I was never the girl to confess my love to anyone – ‘I love you, I love you’. But with him, it kept exploding out of me… I could never keep it in, I wanted him to know. I knew he wasn’t in love with me, but I was okay with that because the affection, attention and time that we had together filled me up in so many ways. I had never felt that before.
He asked me at the beginning to be ‘open’ to us. Even though he had already backed out once. There was something about him that made me trust him. That made me jump in head first – give my time and attention to, 100%.
Even he can tell you that I always had a tiny bit of fear that he would just text me one day and be done… Saying the same things he said 5 days after we first slept together. But he always reassured me that if it was ever going to happen, I would know, and it wouldn’t be over text. However this is where the line gets blurry because I guess it did happen on just ‘one day’ and I guess it did just happen over text. He broke my heart, because I was madly in love.
I always dreamt of the relationship that we had. Him driving. Us sleeping together almost every night. Him helping me to sleep. Us both being a part of each other’s lives. Being called his girlfriend made me the happiest I had been in such a long time.
With the rise, comes the fall.
Anyone who knows me knows that I believe in butterflies, and that you should never settle for anything less. Well I am saying now, that everyday and every second with him was butterflies. Even the bits I didn’t like, the butterflies pushed me through to the other side. Love.
The butterflies, unfortunately are still very much there. I’m not sure they will ever go away… But they will also remind me to be so much more careful in the future, despite the fact that I do not regret meeting him, loving him, even still.
I am waking up every day, and the reason I am quiet is because I wake up with so much anxiety that it takes me a whole day to work my confidence back up and feel ok with our relationship. I am so invested in our relationship that the bickering is making me feel so low. I am not made for a relationship like what we have right now. I am used to having a relationship that gives me the safe haven that I need to deal with everything else. It upsets me so much every time we fight, bicker and argue because we are in such a beautiful place and we aren’t making amazing memories. Today is one of the first days where for the majority of it I felt better and happy with our relationship but it changed so quickly and another night/day has been ruined. I am so sorry for everything that I have done that has displeased you, annoyed or frustrated you. I have felt a little alone since we have been here, and maybe my wanting for my friends and family is coming across badly. I have never wanted to make you feel badly and have never wanted to be like this with you. As I said a few weeks before we came away – the happiest I have been, is with you. I am extremely sad that that has changed and you are not happy. So sorry. The way that this holiday has turned out has given me so much disappointment, sadness and anxiety – I wish I could take it back.
Walking around Hamburg, Germany… 3 days after:
Obviously with being away, I’ve had time to get space and think. I feel as though you just gave up, it was a couple of weeks of bad stuff compared to months of laughing and smiling. I’ve listened and understood when you said you don’t want a relationship and all of the stuff that comes with it – but do you not think after however many months it’s been, our relationship deserves more than you just giving up?!
Trying to get over this person is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I am not forgetting that my mum walked out on my siblings and I. I am not forgetting I have mourned the death of all of my grandparents, two aunts, a friend, my first pet, family animals. I am not forgetting that my dad could be taken away from us. I am not forgetting my ex boyfriend of over 5 years.
And I simply think the reason is because of all of those things weren’t anything personal towards me. In fact, none of them were about me. They weren’t about things that I had done, who I am, who I wasn’t… They weren’t done for revenge or because I deserve it. They have all happened because that is simply how the world works. Mysterious.
However when it comes to this man, it is personal… He can say that he is who is and that he doesn’t want to change and that he is a selfish person and he doesn’t mind that about himself. But I never asked him to change. I fell in love with him because of who he is, because I see him for him. That hurts. I want to see it differently but the only thing I see is that I simply was not enough.
Me, myself and I.
Eventually you reach a point of realising that the person has gone. That soon enough the care and concern will go. You will both get on with your lives, or at least one of you will. You have done everything that you know used to or sometimes makes you happy, even just for a second. Movies, eating, drinking, shopping, being with friends and family. A new hair do. But at the end of the day you want to get back to the person that used to be able to sleep at night, the person that dances in the shower and all around the house (naked). You need to and want to get back to being the person that your other half fell for. You are learning to let go of a lot of things, but you will potentially bump into a person that smells very similar to your other half. Or a movie will come out that you both had been waiting to see. You only had plans to see it together – and as much as you now get to see it with your best friend albeit not alone… it just isn’t the same. You have reached the point where you feel bad for your friends having to listen to you. Like the scene in Sex and the City where the girls tell Carrie to go to therapy because she talks about her break up with Big non stop. As much as a lot of moving in is being with someone else, you aren’t ready and you have agreed with your close friends that maybe it would be a good thing for you to concentrate on yourself for a little while. Learn to be you again. You and yourself. Me, myself and I. Well, doesn’t that just have the potential to be so wonderful… and tragic all at the same time. You are allowed to miss someone, and you will probably miss them every day for quite a long time. You are allowed to crumble inside when something reminds you of them.
You need to understand that it is a part of life to fall for someone, to trust, to love and to feel. There are a limited amount of people that do and feel nothing, and that, my love, is not living. You need to feel the pain, hurt and sadness in order to cherish the love that you do receive. There is nothing wrong with trusting, there is a line – you don’t have to be careless. You would never wish for anyone to hurt you, and I would never wish the pain of heartbreak upon my worst enemy. But ultimately you have a choice of whether you want to put one foot in front of the other, and accept, build and be stronger and better than you ever were.
You need to know that it is 100% okay not to be okay. It is also okay to give up on yourself, love and everything in between for a little while – but remember that anyone willing to let someone like you out of their life is not worthy of you disappearing from yourself for forever. You owe it to yourself, to come back better than ever. Don’t let another person be your down fall – find something else, find something that someone will find cute, something that someone, one day, will think of as your best part.
Understand that you will be okay, you are stronger than you think – miss them, love them… every day if that is what means that you get up, face the world and get on with achieving your hopes, dreams and aspirations.
People always use the metaphor of taking 1 step forward and 10 steps back but how about you take 1 step forward (you fell for someone), you take 20 steps back – but guess what, you can then take 22 steps forward. I believe in you.
As I sit here writing this blog, I am staring out the window of my family home. A 400 year old farm house surrounded by fields. The decor of the house could be described using lots of different words that still wouldn’t get across what it actually looks and feels like. People have tried… estate agents, previous owners, my mother (the last designer). Over the last 12 months the inside of the farmhouse has taken a few turns that leave me heart broken to be surrounded by, simply because I know the beauty that was once there, along with the character and quirkiness. I love this place. Even though I now live in the futuristic area of Canary Wharf in the capital of Britain. I come home, when I want and when I can, mostly when I need. This weekend i have been here for a mere 24 hours, but before I head off I walk around the whole property (which has recently been nicknamed ‘The Ranch’ after a friend had no idea what the property contained). I walk out the back door, over the gravel courtyard to where my Wendy House once was it is now a chicken hut with a duck and peacock house opposite situated in a paddock and apple orchard, and a rose arbor running between the two. I watch my Jack Russell dog run under the gates and fences and through the long grass and into the horse yard. As I watch him I see him weave through the horses legs and notice the two tabby cats sitting on the wooden fences that divide horse from horse from horse. I am standing looking out on a field covered in daisies and buttercups closed in by small forests of trees and rabbits houses. Who could feel sad? This is where I grew up. I turn and look at the secret passages and bushes that hid all of my childhood games and secrets. The tree where my wooden swing would hang from, the garden that held so many birthdays and barbeques. This select part of nature is my dogs first and only home, and you can very clearly see that in his freedom, running and roaming every inch. I can tell you where my first rabbit was buried, and her babies too. Where I was taught to ride a bike by my grandfather, father and brother. Where I got stung by bees. Where I ran away to when I hated my mother, or siblings. I know this place, I know what it has to offer – especially forgetting the buildings situated on and around. Edit upon edits have been made since we first got here 17 years ago, some I hated, some were genius… I now know how a swimming pool is made (even if it has green tiles!). I don’t need to look at the pictures around the house to remember coming home from school in my striped summer uniform to find my mum in cut off jean shorts, wellies and a sequined vest hidden in the vegetable garden planting pumpkins, lavender, ginger and horseradishes.
As I make full circle of ‘The Ranch’ I come to think… “Maybe I should tell Dad when he is sad, anxious or worried – to take a deep breath and walk very slowly around the whole of the property taking in every sight”. It doesn’t matter that it’s a sunny day with a cold breeze, this place looks amazing in the snow, covered in rain and dried out from the never-present sun.
Thinking back, I have walked out of that back door and seen a deer in the orchard, a baby foul appear over night in the paddock, 6 puppy Jack Russell’s fall over in the snow and cuddled my family in the sun.
My childhood wasn’t perfect, the relationships within my family are from from it too – and sitting here now I have very much been taught that money doesn’t buy you happiness. But if anyone ever asks, I grew up surrounded by nature and fresh air…