Shitty Christmas & a Crappy New Year

I struggle to remember too much of the past couple of Christmas holidays and New Years; most likely because I have blocked them out.

I love the idea of the holidays, the presents, wrapping, family, food and everything in between but, like my birthday, I have forever set my expectations way too high.

Last year, well actually like most years, I was ill. Perforated both my ear drums so spent most of the holiday working, crying, sleeping and obviously couldn’t hear a thing!

I know that in years to come the holidays will get better as babies come along and my family grows the way I want it to – but you can’t help other than to notice the people that aren’t there; and for many different reasons.

One thing that I always do is a New Years resolution, since I can remember. Have I stuck to them? Probably never.

Last year was different. I wrote them with my sister and her then boyfriend but now fiancé… This gave me the opportunity to know I was in safe hands and could write what I really wanted…

I wanted quite a few things for myself; some silly things. But there were two things that were very personal and very important…

I wanted to not go back with my ex boyfriend.

I wanted to fall and be in love by my birthday.

Well, the later, I did. The the first, I now have to admit… I did not. Am I disappointed in myself for breaking my resolution? Certainly not. I want to believe that everything that I have done this year up to this point, I did because I believed in something and I felt a certain way.

I don’t want to take anything back. Not even falling in love, as much as it hurts me every single day. I don’t want to wish I didn’t go back to my ex again, because we did it for a reason. Things are shame, yes. However, we have to learn.

I am learning ‘myself’ everyday. Will I ever be complete, most likely not. Am I ok with that? I have to be. Do I wish there was less anxiety and less insomnia in my life? Yes, please.

I need to grow, I need to understand and eventually I will move on. Not today, most likely not next week either.

One thing I will say though… I am sorry. Sorry to the people that I have hurt, most for god sake – I wish I would stop hurting myself to make other people happy and ok.