Kim Kardashian and the hair change game.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine was helping her younger sister through her first heart break. She text me saying that she had already sat there thinking ‘What would Boo do’ – and ended up telling her sister to go and get her hair done. When I read the message, I laughed to then settle and realise ‘that is what I would do’ (and not just for heartbreak). I liked it. It has always helped…

Today the amazingly talented Kim Kardashian unveiled her new ‘do… a short peroxide blonde do. There’s a huge part of me that believes it’s a complete publicity stunt for, well, of course herself and Balmain. Balmain, who’s head designer is Olivier Rousteing who just so happens to employ aspiring model Kendall Jenner and is a close friend of the Kardashian/Jenner clan.

However people are beginning to question her decision to do something so shocking. Again, at first instance I simply think she is looking for yet another reason for people to talk about her, it’s been a while since she took her clothes off or blah blah blah. Yet if I take it back to realising that she is a human at the end of the day and as Jo Hansford says “Often an extreme change of hairstyle or colour can be a sign that something else dramatic is going on in someone’s life so perhaps this is the case.”

I think it’s true – you don’t do crazy dramatic things to your image or life if you are happy – you do it if things are empty or going wrong… It’s not just Kim. There are many celebrities and women that do it. I am sure men have the same reaction, although they most likely go and ride a bike, or a million girls.

It has been done for years, by women of all ages, from all backgrounds, and for all different reasons. Why do we think a hair style change will help? Well, yes, it gives us something else to focus on- a distraction. On some level do we think things will be better if our hair is different. Are we thinking that we are not worthy of happiness and no heartbreak unless we have better/different hair?

You can go get bangs, change the colour, cut it all off, add more hair – there or do more than one of these things. New hair, new person? New hair, new life? … NEW HAIR, NEW HEARTBREAK.

I have no idea when I first did something dramatic to my image or more specifically my hair to help me get over and move on from something, and to be honest it’s only ever hurt my bank account… So what’s the harm?

But don’t you just think – is it a call out for help?

Thank you, you messed up my dreams.

One night last week I found myself looking up what female targeted publications like Elle had written about abortions. I was surprised to find quite a few articles as there seems to be a very driven campaign in regards to womens rights to abortions.

I didn’t have it within me to read them exactly then but left them open in my browser for when I was ready, or had the time to read the articles with the understanding that I wanted, and feel that the subject deserves.

It wasn’t until I had a very traumatic nights sleep in which I dreamt that I had gone ahead and had my baby with my ex. She, Lavender, our little girl was at least a year old in the dream and for some reason was looked after solely by her father. I was only allowed to see her at his pub, although it wasn’t the pub he has in ‘real life’. Lavender was always very happy to see me, despite her Dad always being reluctant to let me see her when I was just passing by the pub. She was beautiful.

I woke up very confused, checking my tummy and around my bedroom for evidence of her existence. But nothing. ‘What name is Lavender?’ I don’t think I even like that name. ‘Why did he have her?’ He doesn’t want her, or any baby – no way is he a fit parent. ‘Yet she’s so happy, and so so beautiful’.

Later that day I called my Bikram Yoga studio to buy a new course and the gentleman whom I am very friendly with told me the conditions of leaving the 12 month course, one of them being that if I become pregnant. I found myself listening to him mention over and over in different sentences how ‘we wouldn’t want that to happen’, ‘you have your sisters wedding’, ‘well I guess maybe after’. At his first remark I joked, ‘no that won’t be happening’ but he went on further with a good few remarks. Am I missing something?

What if I had carried through with my pregnancy, would someone like him have judged me? Thought of me differently. I am not hurt, or ashamed… just very confused.

I have read the articles. I have read up on Emily Letts and watched her Youtube film. I have ordered Katha Pollitt’s book. But something I find as a recurring notion is that we shouldn’t feel guilty… but I do. I feel guilty, and I feel ok with that guilt. I feel a huge sense of loss, even after almost 2 months. I will catch myself in moments thinking ‘I would have been this many months’, ‘my bump would’ve been this big’, or ‘would I be here, now, with you if I were pregnant?’.

It’s a strange experience and milestone for anyone, yet so different at the same time.