Month: July 2012

Stand up.

People keep telling me, encouraging me, ordering me to finally let go and go be happy. Well, you know what, I think it is time as majority of the people that once made me happy are now totally absent for a different array of reasons, and I am still standing here… Surely you can not expect me to play ‘dormant’ until you return. If you ever return! Life doesn’t stop, time doesn’t stand still. You have to go out and make yourself happy, and today right now, within this time; I’m gonna do what those people told me to do! Make myself happy. Give myself reasons to smile. Surround myself with things, people, places etc: that make me smile, laugh and happy.

Others will call me selfish, I know that already – and I am totally prepared. You need to make a decision and ‘bloody well stick to it girl!’. I’m not here for your approval, and I certainly don’t need you to be proud of me anymore, in order to know that I am doing okay. Time to grow up, stand up.

I am who I am. No apologies, no excuses. I’m not here for anyone’s approval.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…

Over thinking. Over dreaming. Believing. Over Wishing. Naivety. Thinking. Impossibilities. Thinking too much.

JUST STOP.

For as long as I can remember, I have always let my imagination run wild, but not into the impossible, as I strongly believe. My imagination has always shown me possibilities but relied strongly on me doing the hard work, and always working 400% harder for something that my imagination created; rather than something I just naturally think of. There is a difference, please note, between my imagination, my natural thoughts & reactions, and my dreams & wishes.

With one topic (which could be an aspiration, a person, a materialistic item or relationship) that I have, for a while now imagined, thought of, and dreamt of… very often and it quite annoyingly takes up a lot of my day and brain capacity! Although, this was something that I didn’t realize I wanted so badly until I looked in the ‘mirror’ and found that I had done what comes most naturally to me, without even noticing, I made it so the one topic was untouchable. I pushed the one topic so far away, made it full of hate, full of distance; so that now I am left without it – without the possibility of it… I want it more than I ever have. [Even more so than when I first realized that I wanted the one topic.]

Or is now that because I cannot have it, I want it more? That old trick.

It was ever so wonderful, in the days where I got closer, I was ever so happy. At least, as happy as one could be, considering the environment and situation. The one topic was so painful, yet so utterly fulfilling. It felt mature, wise and very appropriate. It needed work done, although the cracks were the thing that made the one topic so beautiful.//

Either way, I will get it. I will make it happen. I know. From a past experience that lasted 3 years, I know I will. Regardless of whether it lives up to my expectations or not. I will get the one topic, in my hold, within my reach. It will, one day, be the reason for my smile. I really cannot wait to look back, and say ‘She said it, and she got it’…

‘Stuffed with Hugs and Good Wishes’

There must have been a ‘Once upon a time’ in my life where I didn’t have a problem with hugging people, there must have been a ‘Once upon a time’ where I didn’t force/make people try so hard just to get ‘in’ or that I didn’t struggle so much with letting them in… There must have been, right!?

I strongly believe that ANYONE that has met me or ‘knows’ me will tell you that I have a wall, regardless of what it is for and how it makes me look it is there. It does most of the time make me look like a cold cut off bitch. I am probably okay with that; it is better than them knowing everything about me. Mostly because, in order to know everything about me, you have to know everything about my family – and no matter what happens [no matter what they do, even if they hurt me] – I refuse to be the reason for their hatred towards me, their vengeance or their pain. I refuse. That may be a reason for the wall, who knows…

Regardless of my wall, regardless of the bad things I have done, regardless of the good things I have done, and regardless of what I have and haven’t achieved so far in life; I think that as a female, I have the want for being protected (to a certain degree) by the person I love, or by a person. As a human, there is that option of having someone just hold you… Someone you TRUST and love, hold you and make you feel ‘okay’ for a minute or two. In those moments, you forget words and their meanings and the looks in peoples eyes; you just feel… You feel the tightness and the warmth within them. But most of all, you know exactly how that embrace makes you feel. You have to go from there.

I am in the position of only trusting one person that I love. They may get distrcated from time to time. They may even really rub me the wrong way! But when they hold me… All the words they said, mean more, the looks of love and trust and beauty and peace and kindness; mean much much more to me. And them. If I don’t believe that, then I really have nothing. Nothing.

I have always never had ‘thousands’ of friends; I have never wanted many. I like the smallness of what I have got. I like that I know them, they know me, and that I can rely on them because they spent so long getting to know and learn me; for me to reply with my honesty. ‘There are *around 5* people on planet Earth that I could call at 3am in the morning and ask if they will help me bury a dead body, and they would, no questions asked.’ I like it that way.

I don’t care what people think of me, I can’t, I don’t have enough space for that. I don’t care if you think I’m heartless and cold; because the selected few, the honest few, know the truth.

There is one person, right now, asleep, somewhere in the world that I trust wholly and completely and only want to be held by. One. No one else will compare. I don’t want to be held by a liar, a psycho, or anyone in between.

If you know me, you know I’m stubborn.

I will only be held, by you.