Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…

Over thinking. Over dreaming. Believing. Over Wishing. Naivety. Thinking. Impossibilities. Thinking too much.

JUST STOP.

For as long as I can remember, I have always let my imagination run wild, but not into the impossible, as I strongly believe. My imagination has always shown me possibilities but relied strongly on me doing the hard work, and always working 400% harder for something that my imagination created; rather than something I just naturally think of. There is a difference, please note, between my imagination, my natural thoughts & reactions, and my dreams & wishes.

With one topic (which could be an aspiration, a person, a materialistic item or relationship) that I have, for a while now imagined, thought of, and dreamt of… very often and it quite annoyingly takes up a lot of my day and brain capacity! Although, this was something that I didn’t realize I wanted so badly until I looked in the ‘mirror’ and found that I had done what comes most naturally to me, without even noticing, I made it so the one topic was untouchable. I pushed the one topic so far away, made it full of hate, full of distance; so that now I am left without it – without the possibility of it… I want it more than I ever have. [Even more so than when I first realized that I wanted the one topic.]

Or is now that because I cannot have it, I want it more? That old trick.

It was ever so wonderful, in the days where I got closer, I was ever so happy. At least, as happy as one could be, considering the environment and situation. The one topic was so painful, yet so utterly fulfilling. It felt mature, wise and very appropriate. It needed work done, although the cracks were the thing that made the one topic so beautiful.//

Either way, I will get it. I will make it happen. I know. From a past experience that lasted 3 years, I know I will. Regardless of whether it lives up to my expectations or not. I will get the one topic, in my hold, within my reach. It will, one day, be the reason for my smile. I really cannot wait to look back, and say ‘She said it, and she got it’…

‘Stuffed with Hugs and Good Wishes’

There must have been a ‘Once upon a time’ in my life where I didn’t have a problem with hugging people, there must have been a ‘Once upon a time’ where I didn’t force/make people try so hard just to get ‘in’ or that I didn’t struggle so much with letting them in… There must have been, right!?

I strongly believe that ANYONE that has met me or ‘knows’ me will tell you that I have a wall, regardless of what it is for and how it makes me look it is there. It does most of the time make me look like a cold cut off bitch. I am probably okay with that; it is better than them knowing everything about me. Mostly because, in order to know everything about me, you have to know everything about my family – and no matter what happens [no matter what they do, even if they hurt me] – I refuse to be the reason for their hatred towards me, their vengeance or their pain. I refuse. That may be a reason for the wall, who knows…

Regardless of my wall, regardless of the bad things I have done, regardless of the good things I have done, and regardless of what I have and haven’t achieved so far in life; I think that as a female, I have the want for being protected (to a certain degree) by the person I love, or by a person. As a human, there is that option of having someone just hold you… Someone you TRUST and love, hold you and make you feel ‘okay’ for a minute or two. In those moments, you forget words and their meanings and the looks in peoples eyes; you just feel… You feel the tightness and the warmth within them. But most of all, you know exactly how that embrace makes you feel. You have to go from there.

I am in the position of only trusting one person that I love. They may get distrcated from time to time. They may even really rub me the wrong way! But when they hold me… All the words they said, mean more, the looks of love and trust and beauty and peace and kindness; mean much much more to me. And them. If I don’t believe that, then I really have nothing. Nothing.

I have always never had ‘thousands’ of friends; I have never wanted many. I like the smallness of what I have got. I like that I know them, they know me, and that I can rely on them because they spent so long getting to know and learn me; for me to reply with my honesty. ‘There are *around 5* people on planet Earth that I could call at 3am in the morning and ask if they will help me bury a dead body, and they would, no questions asked.’ I like it that way.

I don’t care what people think of me, I can’t, I don’t have enough space for that. I don’t care if you think I’m heartless and cold; because the selected few, the honest few, know the truth.

There is one person, right now, asleep, somewhere in the world that I trust wholly and completely and only want to be held by. One. No one else will compare. I don’t want to be held by a liar, a psycho, or anyone in between.

If you know me, you know I’m stubborn.

I will only be held, by you.

“How can I forget you when you’re always on my mind? How can I not want you when you’re all I want inside? How can I let you go when I can’t see us apart? How can I not love you when you control my heart?”

There are things in life that I want, that maybe you could say ‘you had your chance’, but please if there is a slight chance, a slight possibility and you are reading this, and you feel the same; then why can’t we have what we want? What is stopping you? Do you want to live life with regrets? Do you want to live your life worrying what other people will think?

Seeing is decieving, DREAMING IS BELIEVING. I know what the appropraite thing to do is, I know what others want me to do; but it is MY life for a reason. This is how I want to spend it.

You may believe that the timing wrong and that it will never work, but I know what I feel, I know what I want, and I am willing to have the patience and wait..

Hey, you, yes… you! I love you.

I always have, and I always will. From my soul to my skin.

too much?

Good Morning!

I had to go out last night, my life is a mess right now…

I had to out with my friends yesterday…Yes Until 5.am as you seen.

 because in the middle of the night, the agent of the guy I’m shooting in Beverly hills text me this… ” Hey Ayaz, The House is not available for shooting until the end of the year”

All my world just fall apart when I received that e-mail.

I haven’t smoke weed, since I have work every day.

Anyway, this e-mail you sent me made me very happy as always, you know? You have no idea about the desperation and sadness that is going trough my body right now…. I lost the complete control about what’s gonna happen in my life tomorrow or in an year…

I had everything prepared,but I’m still gonna talk with the agent, there’s must be a solution.

I know, I should follow more your blog, and I will also “Share” it on my facebook account, so people see and understand what are you girls going trough, That image of the of you girls ridding a bicycle I can almost imagine you.

Your mom loves you, like mine loves me, like Alex mom loves him, it’s something normal, Mother will always miss us, but they are always gonna be there for their kids, always, it’s the cycle of life, to move on, find new activities and try new prospectives of life, different cultures, different feelings, different emotions…. I don’t blame her, If I has a baby like you, I would stay with you forever in my arms if I could!!! But then again, it’s your course, if you don’t feel like it is the right choice, then obviously you have to change for something else… that’s my personal opinion about that kind of stuff… it’s something that is going to make part of your life, for one year…you just have to make sure about that course. I don’t pressure you, I don’t decide for you, that is something that you have to decide yourself, obviously I’m here to help or to comment whenever you feel lost, that’s why I am here, I’m your boyfriend, and I’ll stay on your side, no matter what choice you make, I’m your Boy, always in your side. Lets frame the pictures together in here in New York, let’s do it together so you take them with you back home.

I need you more than anything today, I’m feeling really down, gladly I have you and my friends to cheer me up, no film= nothing…

I’m fucked up…..But as always I’m going to keep on moving and chose another options.

As I’m writing these e-mail to you there is the Ice Cream truck outside putting that silly music to call children attention…  I feel like a Child now, I feel like I need you , and I wanna hug you, I might go outside and choke myself in one of those creamy, fatty, greasy ice creams from New york city…

I need you here, I need my girlfriend :(, I miss you so much…I just wanna stay with my girlfriend forever in that our little secret place, I love how this e-mail made me feel so happy, Jackpot…..

Talking about those dates, Silvia was supposed to come in the 3rd of August to my house in NYC, because by that time i was still working in my film, and that was the date i told her to come to go to L.A with me then. She already bought the ticket, I’m doing my best to ask her to change it to after the 8th so I have my time with you alone. I’m willing to pay the new flight so she come later.

I’m still going to read the e-mails you write me, over and over again, even when I’m old you know? I wanna be on my 40’s or 50’s and read that this girl one day made me smile even in the worst of my days… and that’s why I LOVE YOU that’s why I’m crazy in love for you. By the way, No you are not making sense I didn’t understand word, of getting married separately… why In the world are we talking about marriage in first place, and second why does it have to be separately? I didn’t get it, rather not reading that part….

Right now I do miss my family…

Right now I do miss my friends…

but Right now what I really miss most is my girlfriend….

I have may not reached the 1,200 words but one thing is certain…

The Love and passion I feel for you right now, is bigger than whatever I can write….or you can..

I love you more than anything.

X -Doze….

P.S- the thing you wrote on the Diary in the 13th of July made me so happy…to read it, It would be a dream came true, to be with you 24/7, but then again is something personal that unfortunately even if I want, it’s not up to me to decide it….

But just so you know… Yes…made me smile a lot.

X